A car accident took the life of a four-year old on the interstate just a few miles from our home Friday morning. Snowy roads caused the driver to lose control.

My husband visited a couple of men in jail yesterday who are awaiting trials, verdicts, sentencing. Their families are waiting too. Scared, sad, uncertain of what tomorrow holds.

A friend of ours is at the hospital this morning after spending the night in the emergency room with his wife. Doctors are not sure what has caused her seizure: a blood clot in the brain, a stroke, they just don't know yet.

Another friend of mine stopped by yesterday to talk. She's worried about her son's health.

So, I read the verse above and try to find some comfort.

I remember reading this verse one night in the hospital years ago when Nick was having terrible trouble with his IV. We had been told by a nurse that she would be back around 4am to give Nick medicine through the IV but that she couldn't promise the IV wouldn't "blow." These words came after many, many tears and several new IVS throughout the day.

Nick was exhausted. I was exhausted. My mom was exhausted. Tim had gone home to be with our other kids for the night, and we felt very alone in a hospital room several hours from home.

And then I read this verse. I read it out loud to mom.

I still remember her voice in the darkness when she said with a sense of sadness, "Well, He's not here yet."

I guess that's where the lifelong question of "Where is God when you need Him?" comes from.

Knowing that God created this world. Knowing He is the Master of the Universe.

And then getting phone calls, emails, knocks at your door.......

All of which deliver news that does not ring with the sound of peace.

So, I sit here this morning looking out at a beautiful snow glistening with sunshine and I realize that it's not so much about God promising "earthly peace." It's about him offering "inner peace."

See, after I read that verse to mom in the darkness of Nick's hospital room, I had this spiritual nudge to go call a friend and ask her to pray with me.

Not long after that a nurse saw me crying and came and actually prayed with me right there on the hospital floor. She then came and did Nick's IV medicine herself. It was amazing. It was God bringing peace in a world that has trouble.

We live in a world that has been tarnished by sin.

The beautiful white snow here eventually shows the effects of dirt, gravel, and mud.

We have to remember how it started. White, spotless, glistening.

And we have to believe that one day this world will be made new!!

My prayers this morning are for this family who is facing the loss of their little boy. That God will send people to pray with them. Family members and friends to love on them. Signs from above to comfort them.

And for the men in jail...I pray the same.

And for our friends at the hospital.....I pray the same.

And for my friend who is concerned about her son.....I pray the same.

For Nick, I don't have to worry anymore about IVs going bad or MRIs holding devastating news. Peace has arrived in the most perfect sense for Nick. He has been made perfectly whole and new!

So my prayers are for me, my husband, my sons, my daughter, my parents, his friends....everyone who has to put life back together somehow with a missing piece.

We all have missing pieces in our lives, don't we? Somehow. Maybe it's a loss. Maybe it's a bad memory from our childhood. Maybe it's divorce or a child who has rebelled or illness that keeps us from feeling and healing whole.

My prayer today is that while we all live with some sort of missing piece.......

We won't live a life that is "missing peace."

Remember, Jesus says, "in me you may have peace."

Thankful for the Master's peace in a troubled world,

11 I will turn all my mountains into roads,
and my highways will be raised up.

This is the road to my grandpa's house.

Long. Straight. And mostly very, very flat.

When I read Isaiah 49, I have to think that someday I'll look back on my life and realize that as I was facing deep valleys and high mountaintops, God was there keeping all things even.

I'm in a rush this morning. There is more snow coming down.

Todd is still sleeping.

Olivia and her three little friends are still sleeping...worn out from two hours of ice skating in their snow boots on the soccer field across from our house!

And I am leaving to run to the church and help serve lunch to people who have no electricity.

But as I sat here this morning and saw this picture, I thought to myself,

"Thank you, Lord, for being the one straight constant in an ever-changing world. Thank you, Father, for keeping me level when I feel very down or very up. Thank you, Lord, for directing my steps. Help me stay on the straight and narrow for You tell us that the crooked road does not lead to peace."

Until later,

I love snow!

Kids love snow!

Teachers really love snow!

When the weatherman even hints that snow is on the way, you can just feel the excitement in the air.

Yesterday as I was subbing, I heard teacher after teacher talk about the fact that next week the weatherman is "calling for snow!"

What is it about snow?

For me, I think it is the chance that the world might shut down temporarily causing everyone to simply stay home and cuddle up under blankets and sip hot chocolate.

White roads unmarked by tires or even footprints.

Tree branches drooping with piles of white fluff.

Snow covering up mud puddles and potholes.

The absence of imperfections in my landscaping.

Snow truly "evens out" the world's good and bad into one big sweeping view of white beauty....

and in that beauty I find peace.

Being able to watch the snow fall is another thing I love. Witnessing the transformation from greens, browns, rocks, gravel, weeds, broken toys, bare branches..........into a white canopy of oneness.

Snowfall offers hope for all things to become "new."

Isaiah 1 tells us,

Brandon, one of Nick's best friends, showed up at my house a few weeks ago all decked out in his brand new "Nick Wardrobe!"



He said that when he put on the jeans he had no idea that on one leg was a "three," on one leg was a "one," and on the pocket was a cross.





He was so excited, of course, because Nick is forever "13." And Nick loved Jesus with all of his heart and soul....so does Brandon!




I couldn't believe the necklace, belt, and belt buckle he had ordered! He couldn't wait to show me and Tim!









God gave me Nick for 13 years. I had to give him back for now.

I am so thankful He left me with so many other wonderful boys to keep my heart filled with earthly love and hugs!

And special moments like this one with one of Nick's dearest friends.

I love you, Brandon!

I was on my way to Ashland this afternoon to watch a couple of Nick's closest friends play basketball (Nick was on their team in elementary school). My husband called and asked if I had heard about the plane crash today in New York and how every single passenger was rescued from the Hudson River! Tonight as I looked at the photographs and saw the people lining the wing waiting to be rescued, I couldn't help but wonder where they "stood" with the Lord at that moment in time.

As I read the interviews, there was an overriding theme of "God's presence, God's decision to save, God's control." I never read of anyone who said, "Fate was on my side," or "It was my lucky day." No. At a time like this, when all seems lost and then salvation comes, people-no matter how unreligious before-seem to suddenly have a very deep faith.

I sat here tonight and wondered how God felt in the midst of this crisis. Were there people on the plane who truly walked with Him daily before they began to cry out today? Were there people on the plane who have openly rejected Him before they began to cry out today? What is God's long-term plan from this riveting news story?

I sat and clicked through the pictures. Some faces were filled with panic. Some with serious determination. Yet others seemed calm in spite of the trauma.

I found the verse above and even researched Meribah a bit. It was the place where the Israelites grumbled because they did not have water to drink and feared they would die. It was the place where Moses lost his cool and struck the rock, taking credit for its flow of water instead of giving the glory to God.

And then my mind went back to the wings of this plane, slowly slipping into the waves of the river yet providing the only safety for the nearly 200 hundred men, women, and children waiting for a boat to arrive. What were the people saying as they waited? Were they complaining? Were they praying? Were they in shock? Were they filled with terror?

And I wonder if the pilot who definitely is a hero will take all of the credit for a successful landing or if he will give some glory to the Creator of aviation?

I guess I''ll never know the answers to many of my questions, but I do know this.

The lives of the people who were on that plane will never EVER be the same. They had their moment of testing while standing on an airplane wing in the middle of an ice-cold, rapidly flowing river.

Wouldn't it be great if every passenger on that plane walked away sold out on a God who has the power to do the unimaginable?

For some reason, God made a statement today.

We may not know exactly what that statement is until our faith is made sight, but for tonight it is enough to simply know that the same God who brought the Israelites to Meribah also brought this airplane loaded with passengers to the Hudson River and that His ways are higher than our ways.

Standing in the shelter of God's wing and longing for the day when I fully understand His plan,

Romans 8:26-27

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

This may be one of my favorite verses! Just knowing that the Spirit of God intercedes for me when I do not know what to say.......thank you, Father, for this gift.

Because I find myself at a crossroads where words do not come so easily. Even in prayer.

I kneel to pray. I know the Father is listening.

And yet I am often unable to find the words.

"Thank you" seems so empty even though my heart often feels so full of gratitude for a Father who never leaves or forsakes me.

"Forgive me" seems so repetitive when time and time again I find myself being short with my husband when I'm really just having a sad day of missing Nick.

"Help me" seems so pitiful at times. I want so desperately to be strong.

So, today, it struck me that yes, even God knew that sometimes words are just not possible. And because He knew how hard that would be He provided a verse to sort-of "take us off the hook" when we want to spend time with Him in prayer but even the shortest phrases seem insignificant.

These are days when I find that the simple quietness of just knowing that He is with me and that I am with Him are enough to keep me going!

So, even in my blog writing, I have struggled to find words today. Words that share my heart.

And it is in this very moment that I am embracing the reality that words aren't really what connect us...............it is so much more than words.

Jesus Christ, the Master, Savior, Redeemer, Lord, and yes, "blog connector!" pulls my heart to yours and yours to mine even when words seem so difficult to find.

Thank you, God, for sending Your Son, the Living Word, to a hurting and pain-filled world so that we can share the hope, peace, joy, and love of knowing that there will come a day when blogs won't be necessary, phones will be meaningless, clocks will be irrelevant, and all that will matter is that we are together in Your Presence for eternity!

Thank you, Father, for giving me a few words when I felt I had none,

Emotions overwhelmed me tonight as I gazed at Olivia.........snuggled and warm.

Embracing her last 20 minutes of the first decade of her life.

Where has the time gone since Tim flew to India and brought home our 19-month old little girl?

Tim told me earlier this evening that at the end of Olivia's indoor soccer practice tonight the girls on the team sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

Then on the way home, Olivia was talking about her birthday and said, "What time was I...." then hesitated and said, "Nevermind."

Tim replied by saying, "Were you wondering what time you were born?"

And Olivia said, "Yes, but you wouldn't know."

Then he said, "Well, what time would you like to have been born?" She answered, "I guess sometime in the morning. Maybe 2:32." Tim said, "Okay." Then she quickly changed her mind and said, "No. 3:23." And Tim said, "Alright then. 3:23 a.m. is what time you were born."

He said he felt sad for Olivia for a minute, but then he also felt thankful for how blessed she has been as well as what a blessing she has been to our family.

I crawled out of bed tonight because I couldn't sleep.

As I sit here and look at the clock, I am "struck" by the fact that it is 2:00 a.m...............

I try to imagine 11 years ago when an Indian woman in a small village was preparing to give birth to a child she knew she cannot afford to keep.

I think of her sister who just hours later would take Olivia and literally drop her off of a bridge.

I think of the policeman who would find Olivia and take her to a hospital where she would have to stay for 6 weeks and who would give her the name, "Pallavi" which means "new leaves."

And then I think of the orphanage workers who cared for Olivia Faith-Pallavi (her name now) for a year and a half while we were in America praying about whether or not to adopt a child.

Oh, God, You amaze me.

Your tapestry so often appears tangled and frayed when we examine tiny pieces one at a time........

Yet when we are privileged to stand back and examine Your Work in bigger pieces, we are taken to our knees in awe!

Olivia is so excited because she is turning 11 on the 7th! For those of you who don't know, Nick was 7 when he had his first brain tumor and 11 when we found out about the second one. Within minutes of hearing the news, Nick said that he wanted his nickname to be 7-11. And since that day, those numbers and that time on a clock have been so powerful in bringing smiles and encouragement to us just when we need them!

I feel certain that somehow God had His hand in even this tiny aspect of tomorrow for Olivia.

She feels connected to Nick on this birthday in a very special way.

Monday was hard for me. Everyone went back to school. The house was so empty.

Today was a bit easier.

Tonight I feel thankful.

Thankful for the promise that God truly does "work for the good of those who love him." (Romans 8:28)

This I know:

I love God more than anyone else in this world. If I believe His Words are true, then I must believe that in spite of my sorrow God is working for good!

So, tomorrow we will celebrate Olivia being 11 on the 7th! And now we know that she was born at 3:23 a.m.!!! (in our hearts, anyway)

And so I must sleep. But before I could, I had to write. It is more effective than Tylenol PM any day!

With love and thanks for a God who works for good!

I took this picture of my Aunt Earlene's "Kitchen Christmas Tree" which was laden with dainty tea cups.

You could look at the tree for hours and find new and fascinating things from every angle!

As I looked through my pictures of the tree, I stopped on this particular china tea cup and plate hanging precariously from its branch. I couldn't help but feel a kindred spirit stir within me as I saw reflected in this cup a picture of my soul.

Fragile. Easily broken. Hanging on to the last limb.

Grief reaches down into your soul and seems to pull out every feeling, every nerve-ending, every insecurity, every doubt.....

And then places all of these sensitive aspects of our being on display for the world to see.

Words that may be said in love or may be said without thinking can cut my heart like a knife. (Words that in the past I may have not even remembered moments later.)

Actions of even the closest friends can leave me wondering if anyone really cares (I know deep inside they do............it's just that my heart has no more room for any pain.)

It's strange but when you're grieving, it is almost as if God is calling you to a higher level of grace and mercy.

I've often tried to place someone else in my shoes and thought, "What would I say? How would I act?"

The truth is...........

There is often no way to please or comfort a grieving friend other than just being there to listen.

Sharing Scriptures maybe.

Sending a text just to say, "I love you" maybe.

Watching a movie together.

Something safe.

CS Lewis said in A Grief Observed that he became angry when people asked about his wife who had recently passed away and he became angry when they didn't. I totally understand what he is trying to say.

I guess I say all of that to say that if you are grieving like I am, my prayer is that you can have a level of grace and mercy with your friends and family. They love you. They hurt with you. They just feel helpless.

I know mine do.

And the truth is................in many ways they are.

Grief is a journey that has to be traveled to a certain extent......alone with God.

And if you are reaching out to a friend who is grieving please know that they don't mean to seem hurt sometimes by your words or actions. They really don't. It's just that when a china tea cup hangs from a branch, sometimes it is going to get chipped.

So today, I want to say to all of you, THANK YOU for being my encouragers and my friends. Thank you for listening to me and sharing words of hope. Every time I read your comments, I walk away strengthened and renewed! You minister to me through your words.

THANK YOU!

Yes, I am fragile.

Thank you for "handling me with care!"

I consider you all treasures that I would happily display on my Christmas tree of life!

We lived with my grandpa when I was a little girl, so in many ways he is like my second dad.

I love him so much.

Memories of my grandpa make me smile even today...

riding in the tractor with him when he would plow the fields...

riding in the pick-up with him as he would feed the cattle...

watching him water his garden and fret about how to keep out the rabbits. (He always reminded me of Elmer Fudd, and I would tease him about those "wascally rabbits!")...

hearing him tell about a time when my sister and I were both riding in the tractor with him. According to the story, he had told us that we could stay in the field with him until one of us fell to sleep. A little later in the day, Grandpa noticed my sister asleep on the floor of the tractor. He asked me to "check" on her, and he said that I looked down real quick and then told him, "She's still awake!" I didn't want anything to keep from me being out there in the field with my grandpa!

Traveling to Oklahoma last week to spend Christmas with this precious man was just what I needed!! He cried when I walked into the room and so did I. Oh, how I love him.

I guess there's just so much about Grandpa's love for me that reminds me of God's love.

Unconditional. Never-ending. Deep. Abiding. Comforting. Forever.

And the list goes on and on.

I just had to share my grandpa with you.

Thankful for how God uses "real people" to model His love,

8)What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things......

18)For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19)Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20)But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

As much as I love this passage, as much as the passage inspires me to keep on keeping on,

I find myself fighting this verse tooth and nail. Struggling to grasp what God is asking of me. Struggling to make sense of His Words.

See, when I think of Nick and Adrienne I don't want to forget what is behind.....

I can't.

They were, are, and always will be a part of who I am.

And honestly in losing Nick I have somehow been drawn back to Adrienne in a more powerful way. I think I had tucked away the pain of losing my little baby girl as we tried to "move on" with life as God gave us Todd, then Nick, and then the adoption of Olivia. I always believed that Adrienne was waiting for me in Heaven, so I felt a level of peace.

Life had become busy with five kids and a teaching career. While I always changed the flowers on her grave for every season year in and year out and looked forward to the day when I would be reunited with her, I had somehow suppressed my grief.

So when Nick was first diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of seven, I remember crying out to God, "Please, no, please don't take another child from me."

Then suddenly the loss of Adrienne was overshadowed by the struggle to keep Nick alive.

Tonight I sit here facing the reality that two of my children have gone Home before me.

So, I read the verse about "forgetting what is behind," and I want to scream, "HOW?! WHY?! WHAT ARE YOU ASKING OF ME?!?!?"

I think I am just now beginning to wrap my mind around the depth of what the verse is saying.

I believe it is not so much about "forgetting" as it is about "dwelling" on what is behind me.

In a race, the victor is generally one who keeps his eye on the finish line. He is not constantly glancing back to see who or what is about to overtake him. He is focused on winning, on reaching his goal.

That's the kind of spiritual runner I want to be.

Not one who forgets that I am in a race.

Not one who forgets the aspects of my race that have made me the runner that I am.

But one who takes the hurdles as they come yet stays focused on the finish line.

I will never forget Nick.

I will never forget Adrienne.

They are a part of me that can never be taken away.

I hear a whisper from somewhere in my heart, "God doesn't ask us to forget His Son." In fact, He calls us to remembrance of Him and His crucifixion every Sunday morning as we gather around the Lord's Table to break bread. God says, "Do this in remembrance of Him....of me."

Comfort engulfs me as I realize I am created in the image of My Creator. My longing to remember my children comes from Him who longs for us to remember His Child.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for modeling healthy remembrance.

But as I remember my precious children, I also have to stay focused on the finish line. I must truly "strain" toward what is ahead. I cannot sit down on the track because the race is getting too difficult. I cannot throw in the towel.

I believe that is why Paul wrote these verses in Philippians. He wasn't trying to tell us that we should forget everything in our past. He was trying to encourage us not to get bogged down in our past to the point that we cannot finish the race victoriously. He knew that one of the devil's schemes is to keep us so broken from this world's pain that the thought of finishing the race seems impossible. I cannot let the devil win.

Oh, believe me, I am in a spiritual battle.

My legs are weary. My feet ache.

So, how do I handle this spiritual fatigue from grief while trying to remain strong in the race of my life.

I cling to more and more promises from God's Word.

I remember that "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength." (Is. 40:31)

I remember that Christ says, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

If you are tired from the race and losing sight of the finish line, I encourage you to search God's Word for promises that remind you that He will be with you even on the toughest days.

I Thess. 5:11 says, "we must encourage one another and build each other up..."

I want to encourage you today to keep your eye on the prize!!!!

This life may be fleeting, but........

The prize is eternal!!!

Cheering you on and thanking you for each prayer for me................

Through my tears,