There have been times in my life when I have sensed a healthy kind of balance. I've been able to keep the house somewhat in order, cook a few decent meals, feel capable at work, and still have quality time with God, my friends, and my family. I love those fleeting times........................
Then there are the times that look like the first picture in this post.........................
Times when I am that little guy holding on for dear life as EVERYTHING around me seems to be bearing down heavily.......................
I'm not so crazy about those times.
Times when I feel disconnected from my family, my friends........................and especially disconnected from Him, the One who sustains me.
I was able to do a little "organizing" last night at home, which really came about because I was in yet another search for something that had "disappeared." Last week it was Todd's tennis shirt. This week it was a book I am reading. As I sorted through books, papers, notebooks, and other things that had been forming small piles here and there in the house, I ran across a book that I had forgotten that I had been loaned by a friend. It is called Cold Tangerines, and it is kind-of a journal, kind-of a devotional.
I ended up tucking myself upstairs in Nick's room for a while and soaking in some of the author's words and as I did, I realized something.
I realized that wrestling my way through life isn't something I do alone.
I guess in the end it's how we "act" while wrestling that truly reflects who we are, and that is what I'm wrestling with today.
I'm wrestling with how I wrestle. How odd is that?????
I can talk to God the entire time I am in the shower and then get so easily agitated with Tim just minutes later when we discover that the sweatshirt I bought Olivia Monday did not have the security tag removed and I didn't save the receipt and my hair is still wet and I need a man with wire cutters to save the day and the search for wire cutters reminds me that our shed reflects the chaos of this school year and I want to stay home and just clean the whole thing out and have a yard sale and organize every closet which then reminds me of our attic which sends my heart into even more agony and then I walk out the door flustered because in the end Olivia's brand new sweatshirt has a hole...............................................
Does anyone relate????? Please say, "yes," or I might have to delete this post and stop blogging and hide somewhere until I can find a place to receive some much-needed therapy (smiles).
Honestly, I walked through the visitation line last night and hugged Luther and Gunnar and Maverick. I saw Bridgett and felt like I was in a bad dream. I put on earrings this morning that were a gift from her a few months ago that say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)
I remembered how Bridgett had told me that she had looked at her boys when we lost Nick and couldn't imagine losing one of hers. Now here I stood looking at her boys and finding myself not able to imagine my kids not having me.
And I was reminded so painfully of how short life is and how every day is a gift.
And then I failed this morning in my own life.
I simply failed.
I allowed a last-minute setback to do more than set me back. It overcame me, and I was ugly..............again.
So what now?
Where do I go from here in my wrestling with what exactly God calls me to do and be?
There's something about this picture that reminds me that even in the seesaw-reality of life, the constant ups and downs, the juggling of work, home, church, and on and on, there can be peace.
Maybe peace is found only by choosing to get off the seesaw.
The world isn't going to stop spinning, so maybe sometimes it's choosing not to spin with it.
Just making the decision to say, "I'm walking towards peace."
That's what I want to do.
Jesus says, "My peace I leave with you."
I'm searching for it today, and I am not going to stop until I find it.
It's more important than a missing book, although Olivia found my book today on the stage at school..................................I left it there Friday when I had early duty. :)
It's more important than a hole in a sweatshirt or an overly cluttered shed.
Well, I've rambled my way through my own mess and somehow I feel better.
Now I can ask for forgiveness knowing I have a little bit of a plan.
And I can clean the shed out next week....................if it ever stops raining.
I love you all so much.
Please whisper a prayer today for Luther and the boys. Bridgett's funeral is at 3.