Todd and his friend Caleb have spent the last couple of nights putting together this puzzle.


Since Todd received a new camera for Christmas, he has been taking pictures of everything! Thankfully, he took a picture of the puzzle from time to time along the way! When I was looking through his photos and saw this one, it spoke to me in such a powerful way.

Especially when I saw the "accidental" heart right in the middle!! And the smaller "accidental" heart in the middle of the upper middle section!!

I couldn't help but think of I Corinthians 13 when it says that now we "see through a glass darkly" and then goes on to promise that one day we will fully know just as we are known.

Oh, for that day!

Oh, to see how each piece of our life fits together to make God's masterpiece.

Oh, to understand that sometimes it is in the missing pieces that God can form a perfect heart!

Tonight as I watch 2008 end and prepare for 2009.............

My first year without Nick and my seventeenth year without Adrienne.........

I am praying that God will keep my heart focused on His masterpiece not on my missing pieces.

I am praying that I will remember that until that day when my faith becomes sight, I will not be able to see the "whole picture."

But when I do............

Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Praying for you too,

Well, Christmas Day came and went.

The reality of Nick's absence rang in my ears constantly-sometimes like a clanging cymbal other times like the light ringing of a gentle chime.

This is a photo we took in my Aunt Earlene's back yard on Christmas Day.

Our first "family picture" without Nick.

I'm not sure that I'll ever get use to looking at a picture of our family without Nick's radiant smile.

I can't help but think that somewhere among the branches he is grinning and sharing this moment with us. I know he was in my heart.

So, what do you do on Christmas Day when you are grieving?

You embrace the day.

What else can you do when you have the hope the Heaven?

If Nick could have made the choice of spending the day with us climbing an old tree to say "cheese" or of spending the day in the presence of the One for whom we celebrate the holiday, Our Lord and Savior, I just have to believe he would have chosen praising Jesus.

So, as Nick's mom, I have to honor my son by choosing to spend God's Son's birthday praising Him as well! Nick would have wanted nothing less from me.

I have much to share about our wild trip across America.

I'll save stories for another time.

Just had to write in the wee hours of this morning to say, "We're home. We made it through Christmas. We are thankful. We love you all so much!"

God bless you as you walk into 2009.

May it be a year of many blessings, laughs, and love!

The lodge we are staying in has one computer with a 30-minute time limit!
Yikes!

I just checked my email and wanted to quickly say "hi" and tell you we are having a very nice time.

We have our moments when we talk of Nick and feel very sad, but thankfully we feel your prayers in such a strong way. We BELIEVE and KNOW that Nick is where we all long to be!

We know his Christmas will be better than we could ever imagine.

Oh, we miss him so much.

I just wanted to tell you that we love and are so thankful for every prayer.

We are taking lots of pictures......

I'll write more later.

Love and Christmas hugs and blessings to each of you!

Shew.

That seems to be the first word out of my mouth lately.......

Or in my texts to friends..........

Or in my emails.............

Shew.

I'm just taking deep breaths in and deep breaths out.

Sometimes the simplest things become the most difficult when you are walking the road of grief.

Packing, for example.

We decided that staying home for Christmas would simply be too difficult. Too many traditions that Nick loved and looked forward to.

So, my husband, Erich, Evan, Todd, and Olivia (our four kids) are leaving at 4 a.m. for Oklahoma to go see my grandpa, aunt, and cousins.

My parents, who live "on the way" are meeting us at an exit a few hours from here and traveling along with us in their car.

We will be driving 13 hours tomorrow and spending three nights in Branson, Missouri, on the way to the panhandle of Oklahoma.

Then on Christmas Eve we will drive 6 more hours and arrive at our next hotel in time to go spend the evening with family in Beaver, Oklahoma.

Shew!

So, here I sit.

I just had to stop and say, "Packing is so hard when you're grieving."

I miss Nick so much and not packing for him has been so hard. He loved trips. He would have been right here reminding me of things we needed, asking if I needed help. He was just that kind of kid.

And walking through his room, I long to stop and help him pick out jammies, video games, and other things he would definitely want to bring along.

So tonight has been a night of tears. I took a bath and just cried and cried. Then I thought I had regrouped when my mom called to remind me of something to bring, and I found myself losing it on the phone with her.

Shew.

Oh, Nick, I miss you. I miss your great big smile and gentle spirit. I miss your hugs. I miss your sweet hand rubbing my back as I walk by.

In the midst of my sadness, I came across a burned CD that Nick had titled, "Nick's Amazingly Awesome Music CD." I put it in the CD player in the kitchen and was reminded again of just what a fun boy he was! When I get home from this trip, I am going to list all the songs on the CD. I promise it will lift your spirits like it is lifting mine right now!

Thank you, God, for continuing to remind me what a great blessing Nick was and will continue to be to me. Thank you for the hope of Heaven!

I'm not sure how often I will be able to write this week, so I had to take a minute to let you know I'll be away from the computer.........

Thank you for every prayer for our family.

Lifting all of you to our "Amazingly Awesome" Father,

If you go to www.youtube.com and type in Nick Nischan Celebration, you can watch Nick's service in small sections.

Or go to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsvHFao8IS4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyy27hK6R0U


And you can watch Olivia and her friends introduce their gingerbread village pieces and sing "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree."

Thanks for sharing life with us,

I woke up this morning feeling very blue. Visions of Nick danced through my head to the point that I thought I would not be able to face the day.

I managed to get Olivia and Todd off to school and start on some laundry.

Then I sat down to have my quiet time and remembered that last night I had found Nick's IPod and had plugged it in to charge. I picked it up and turned it on and began looking through his song list when my eye caught the title of the song "Seasons of Love."

I turned it on and immediately felt Nick's spirit as he so often sang along with this song at the top of his lungs (as my mom even reminded me later today and our youth minister's wife reminded me tonight at the Christmas play). Nick loved this song!

As I listened to the words and then did a search for the lyrics, I realized that God was sending me a gentle reminder that while I may be very sad, I also have a life to live with my children who are here.............I still have seasons of love to be shared just as I shared so many seasons with Nick.

None of us knows what our tomorrow holds.

But as the saying goes, "we know Who holds tomorrow."

If I truly believe that God holds tomorrow in His hands (and today and yesterday), then I must embrace this season of life........this season of love.

Yes, I know I will still have sad days, hard days, lonely days, long days.............

However, I have to keep walking and talking with Him and listening for His still small voice.......

For God can speak even through an IPod!

Thank you, Lord, for using Nick's IPod to refresh my hurting spirit.

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
moments so dear
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year

In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights,
in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles
in laughter, in strife,

In Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

(chorus)
How about Love
how about love
how about love
measure in love
seasons of love
seasons of love

Five hundred twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand
journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman
or a man

In truth that she learned
or in times that he cried
In the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

Its time now to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate remember a year
in the life of friends

You can hear the song by clicking on the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84KcSyZbg0w

Thankful, once again, for a God Who never fails to provide just what I need to make it through another day,

Our phone rang late tonight..........

It was an elderly lady from church asking if my husband could stop by to see her brother (who lives with her) some time tomorrow. He has cancer, and he is scared.

I had Tim come to the phone to pray with him, because they wouldn't let Tim drive to their home tonight.

Fear-it grabs us, consumes us, and often controls us.

I can remember so many days and nights of feeling fearful as Nick faced medical tests, new treatments, pain, and oh, so many needles.

And I remember memorizing a verse that kept me from drowning in my fear time after time....

When I am afraid, I will trust in You
In God, whose Word I praise.
In God I will trust, I will not be afraid
What can mortal man do to me?

This Psalm brought comfort when nothing else could. It reminded me over and over again that clinging to God's Word was truly my only HOPE!

It reminded me that NO MATTER WHAT this world throws at me, I cannot be overtaken with God on my side. And neither could Nick.

So, tonight, as I head to bed-

Another day of life soaked up with heartache, yes, but laughter too, and time with Tim, Erich, Evan, Todd, and Olivia.........and a few visits with friends, and a nice phone call with an old friend, and lots of emails from encouragers and blog posts from even more encouragers

I feel thankful.

Thankful that God keeps His promises.

Yes, that's right.

He is Faithful.

Faithful to provide just what we need when we need it most.

So tonight, I ask all of you to pray for a man in our church who has cancer and is scared.

I just know God will send the peace He needs tonight.

Grief has a way of taking over my mind sometimes.

So strongly that even words are hard to string together into sentences.

Thoughts swirl in my mind.............

Good memories
Tough memories
Sad memories
Feelings of confusion
Feelings of anger
Feelings of loneliness
Questions with no answers


Then I step away from my thoughts and can almost see them swirling beside me. As I watch them swirl, I look around at other things that have created their own little "cyclones" .......

Evan's heart
Erich's heart
Todd's heart
Olivia's heart
Tim's heart
My mom's heart
My friends' hearts

All hurting, all unsure of how to regroup or what to say, all broken in different ways........

Grief is not a simple emotion that can be faced one day and then quietly pushed away.

It is complex and long-lasting. I remember.

I remember losing Adrienne.

And while I know deep inside that eventually the pain lessened and life became somewhat "normal" again, I guess I just can't bear the thought of life without Nick ever being easy........

That's where I'm at today.

Hurting and yet not wanting NOT to hurt. That probably makes no sense, but in my heart it does.

I have been so full of grief this weekend that even coming here to share seemed like a daunting task.........and yet your prayers and words of love and Scriptures are what I need so desperately.

It's almost as if the devil pushes me down and stands on my chest in some sort of victory stance from time to time, and I have to somehow figure out how to push him off of me and stand back up again.

The devil loves grief, I am sure. He loves its power to immobilize and anger God's people.

But deep inside I know that God loves it too, because it drives me back to Him time and time again.....in spite of my questions and my sadness........

Searching for joy today, knowing that somehow God will send it,

This is photo of Nick with my mom, Olivia, and Todd.



Todd, our 15-year old son, was only 8 when Nick was first diagnosed with a brain tumor. Through the years he has definitely had the biggest battle with the largest range of emotions-everything from fear to jealousy to anger to indifference to denial....





And many of these emotions have fluctuated back and forth throughout the past 7 years....





But I have never seen him cry or even seem sad.





So last Saturday when we realized that Nick was not going to be with us much longer, I was sitting on the floor beside Nick who was lying on our couch. Erich and Tim and my brother had already joined me. Mom was at Nick's feet. I looked back to see if Evan was coming yet, and there stood Todd at the top of the ramp that leads to our "new room" looking down on everything. I said, "Todd, come say bye."





As Todd neared Nick I could feel his fear. As he placed his hand on Nick's shoulder and said, "bye," he burst into tears and fell back on the chair behind him and cried and cried and cried and cried-loudly. My heart just broke for him.





See Todd and Nick were only 21 months apart, so in many ways they were treated like twins. They wore matching clothes when they were little. They shared the same friends. They played the same games. If Todd had someone over to stay all night, Nick was part of the pack....





And vice versa.





Over the past year and 1/2 Todd has branched out and created a new world for himself in high school with band, choir and new friends It has been hard to watch Todd form a new circle that didn't include Nick, but at the same time, I am thankful that he has been able to do this.





Now that Nick is not with us in a physical sense, I know that Todd misses him greatly. He stays busy chatting online with friends and texting them, but I was in his room earlier today and noticed Nick's program from his service is pinned right in the middle of his bulletin board.





Nick will always be with Todd.





They were such great buddies.





Please keep Todd in your prayers today. His Christmas concert is tomorrow night. I know it will be hard for all of us. Nick was with us last year for this event.





Trying to stay focused on the big picture in spite of the brokenness I feel so deeply inside,

Each of our children has had such a different reaction to the loss of Nick. Tonight I think of Olivia. Bless her heart.

She wasn't home when Nick passed away.

She had gone to a friend's to stay all night and then go shopping at Target.

So as she bounced down the driveway with her goodies in hand, she had no idea what was awaiting her. My poor precious friend who had driven her home from Huntington along with her own children knew the whole time and didn't tell Olivia. Thank you, Kristy, for carrying that load through stores and down the interstate for me. I know that was difficult to do. I love you.

Several of her basketball and church friends and their moms had come to the house to be there for her. Oh, thank you, Lord, for precious friends.

As she entered the backyard and saw my sister's husband, she exclaimed, 'Uncle Steve, what you are doing here?" Then as she came into the family room and saw her friends, she looked around - almost as if she were looking for Nick - and said, 'What is going on?"

She sat on my lap as I said, "Olivia, Nick died." Immediately, she was screaming and throwing herself backwards on the couch. I remember her screaming, "No, No, I thought for sure Nick would live."

She cried and cried and all of her little friends gathered round and cried with her.

It was a moment I'll never forget.

As she settled down, she said something that made all of the girls laugh about a little secret she had been keeping about a crush on a boy at school.

This week has been hard for her at school. She has started writing in her diary. She is reading a little book on Heaven that one of her friends gave her.

She is lost. Like all of us.

But tonight, she is sitting in Nick's chair, making a Christmas ornament and watching the Josh and Drake Christmas special trying to do something normal.

I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is that even though you know deep inside that they are in a much more wonderful place and even though you know that you have to keep living.......

you don't want to enjoy life without them here. It feels wrong to laugh, to watch TV, to eat....

and yet you have to make a choice to live again.

That's what Olivia is trying to do, and I am so proud of her. A friend from church made shirts for us that have Nick's picture surrounded by balloons with the words, 'Remember to Celebrate My Life" and Joshua 1:9 at the bottom. Olivia wore hers to school, and my mom told her to hold her head high!

Her basketball coach has ordered patches for all of the girl's uniforms with Nick's name, his favorite Scripture, a thumbs up, a basketball, and "Be Strong and Courageous" on them. All the girls squealed when they saw them. Nick loved all those girls so much. He loved to watch them play, and if he couldn't come to a game he would text me to find out how they were doing.

God will use Nick's life in great ways in all of these girl's futures....I know that deep inside.

But for now, we survive one minute at a time....one prayer at a time...one hug at a time.

Please pray for our kids-

Oh, I love you all so much!

Trying to stay busy
Simple tasks become a chore

Longing for his laughter
Want to hear it just once more

Tears come without a warning
My heart aches beyond compare

Clinging to the promise
That Nick is safely in His care

Is he playing?
Is he singing?
Is he worshiping His King?

Questions without answers
Trying not to feel the sting

Thankful for the honor
That God gave me for awhile

To be the mom of a great boy
Who always wore a smile

Pray for me-I beg you
Keep me lifted to the Lord

As I struggle to recover
Nestled deeply in the Word

WOW! Thank you, God, for knowing just what I need every minute of every day. Thank you.

Dearest Prayer Warriors,

Yes, we still need your fervent prayers......and always will be thankful for each and every one of you.

I have so much to say. It has been so busy here. Family and friends came from so many different places and so many different chapters of our lives.

We were simply overwhelmed with the love. And we could feel your prayers in a great way.

We still have several relatives here with us, so our time has been busy with them.

Nick's Celebration Service simply was beautiful. We had a dear friend videotape the entire service and I will be posting it as soon as I can for any of you who would like to share the special service with us. I can't even begin to thank everyone who worked so hard to make the service something I will cherish for my entire lifetime.

I'll share more about it when I am able to focus. Right now I can't even process my thoughts.

My heart is just so heavy with grief and yet so thankful that Nick's struggle has ended. He put up such a fight!

Oh, I miss him so much. I still can't really believe that he is not here somewhere.

Everytime I see his chair empty, my heart sinks with the reality of what we are facing.

I know that God would not bring us here to leave us, so I find myself whispering prayers for strength almost constantly.

I wish I could write more now.

The words will come....................in time.