My Email Prayer Journal Entry - Please Understand My Heart
Dearest, dearest prayer warriors,

I think of you so often and am so thankful for every prayer you whisper for Nick. I know that God hears you and cares and loves Nick. Other than pain in his left leg, Nick is doing really well. His spirits have been lifted so much for the past three days because of a visit from a very special friend of his who moved last summer to Idaho. They have played video games and visited non-stop.

My heart aches that they haven't been out throwing a football like they use to or jumping and wrestling on the trampoline like they use to, but I keep telling myself to be thankful that they are laughing and playing video games......

I guess that what the Bible means when it says, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (I Thess. 5)

To be honest, which you know I always try to be, I am dealing with anger for the first time in this journey with Nick. This anger has put a wall up between me and all of you, causing my ability to write to you to be hindered. A wall that I have had to face and climb by actually speaking out about my anger in real words.

See, since I have tried desperately to find the good in every different step along the way with Nick and while I have tried to praise God on the good and the bad days of this journey, I feel a little bit like I have been kicked while I am down. Almost as if Nick and I and our family are in a boxing ring with an opponent who doesn't obey the rules with no ref to call time or push us apart. While I know that there have been a million good things that have come out of this journey and that God has been with us every step of the way, it doesn't change the fact that Nick limps, that Nick faces uncertain days in the near future, that Nick asks tough questions, and the list goes on and on.

I find myself looking around (which I KNOW I should not do) and seeing people who do not live for God and yet somehow are spared from life's unfairness and it makes my blood boil. Not that I wish any illness on another person. I just struggle to find a reason for a boy as precious and sweet and selfless as Nick to have to face the days that he faces. I think back to times when I wish we would have done more or made other decisions and yet I know that God's hand was in every step along the way.


I am just mad. Not at God. Not at any person. Not at anything that can be changed. I am just mad at life. I am mad that sin ever had to enter the world. I am mad that people still choose to sin. I am mad that in spite of everything Nick goes through by the strength he can get only from God that there are people who know Nick who still don't put God first in their life. If Nick has to go through this, I wish at least it would change people. To see people come to God because of Nick is really the only thing that makes this worth it. I feel so much more how God must feel when people reject His Son. After all Jesus went through, I cannot imagine the anger deep inside God that wells up against those who take His name in vain, live immoral lives, cause others to sin, and so much more.

I want to go back and change my words to "sad" from "mad," because it sounds so much more gentle, but I can't. I would be lying.

I am sad. But right now I am mad. I know it will pass.

Please don't worry about me. Just pray for me.

And as always, please pray for Nick.

God continues to sit on His throne. And I believe with all of my heart that there will come a day when all of the unfairness of this world will be made right. In the twinkling of an eye, the world will be changed. Sin will be overthrown along with death. Justice will occur. Those who chose to reject Jesus will be punished eternally. Those who have chosen to love and serve Him will be rewarded. I believe that children who have suffered in this world will receive so much more than we could ever imagine-FOR ETERNITY!!!!

Until then, I must press on. God is working.

Just as you have loved me through every stage of this journey, please love me through my anger. And forgive me for sounding harsh. I am not talking to you or at you. I am just talking
with you as friends who can pray for me and love me through this tough time.

Thankful for each of you. Oh, so thankful.

In Him,
Tammy


15 Comments:

Anonymous Jody Ellett said...

Tammy, it is OK to be mad at times when things are unfair. Jesus himself was mad at times. I know that God's heart aches for you just as my heart aches for you. I think and pray for all of you often. I play the music from your blog when I am on the internet as a reminder to keep lifting you all up. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Blogger Paula (SweetPea) said...

Oh honey. You are so precious. I can't imagine anyone standing in judgement of you or being upset with your angry. Honey, I'm angry at my own situation. I've suffered many a days of just being angry, angry at my beloved husband who divorced me for NO biblical reason. Angry that he could fall to satan's lie. Angry that satan has so easily deceived a Christian man. Angry that my beloved doesn't see the light of this. Angry that he can't see how much satan is stealing from him.

So, please don't apologize for your anger. Things in this world do not make sense. I actually admitted to God a couple weeks back that I just might have been angry and held bitterness toward God. I wonder why after over a year, He's not changed His child's heart, why He's not seemingly moved at all to remove the bitterness and unforgiveness and disgust in my beloved's heart. I have to focus to really let those questions go. I seem to wonder so much.

I rejoice with you that Nick's spirit was so high and happy even though his physical body couldn't play, his spirit and heart were playing. Praise Jesus for that sweet visit from his friend.

You are precious Tammy. Your strength and faith are so real.
Much, much love.
Paula

Tammy...

Nothing you have said seems harsh to me. It is OK to be mad...when directed in the right way.

We will continue to pray for you and Nick...every day and on Day Of Prayer (tomorrow).

~Blessings,
Jan

Anonymous jeff aldridge said...

Tammy, when Jenna was dx in 12/05,well, you know that feeling. Then over the next 6 weeks we received one setback after another. A blood clot, a horrible wound, curious spots on her brain, a colostomy...,I felt if God allowed even one more thing on my flimsy plate I would explode. I even cried out one day; "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD!!" My anger at the world, the world that ignores God and continues to eat, drink and make merry, burned. When an insensitive Neuro-Surgeon told me she thought I had ALS, that flimsy plate tipped. For a month or so I was thrown into a deep funk. I couldn't write, see straight, do anything. I felt like God had taken from me the most theraputic and passionate thing I had gained from all this, the ability to write, to journal. To share HIS amazing glory with those who have joined the journey. Why would HE do this to me? Not now!

Well, it has been nearly a year since it was blurted out that I could have ALS. Jenna has finished treatments, and I am still here. I have times of doubt and fear and anger and joy and sadness. He has held me tightly the entire time. I still believe. I do not claim to be were you are today. I would never say that. But I do know were I am, and I do know the ONE who holds me in HIS righteous right hand also holds you this very moment. HE will never allow the righteous to be moved. Like a diamond held against a dark backdrop,its brilliance even greater, you Tammy continue to shine brightly even in your dark place. I thank you for your honesty. Shine on.

Blogger Sheryl said...

Oh Tammy, thank you for your honesty. I cannot imagine you not being mad! I think that is a normal emotion to be feeling and good for you to express it. That's one that you don't want to hold inside.

Again, please hear my heart here because I do not want to compare my situation to yours in the least. But when I see people throwing their marriages away without trying after all the work I did - I get mad. When I see people compaining about the chores and errands they have to run - I get mad!!

Love you through anger? -absolutely. Actually makes me love you more.

Praying on,
Sheryl

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your realness Tammy! It is what makes you human. Your honesty is actually the very thing that leads me to your blog. Your heart-felt realness is something many believers could learn from.

Blogger Susan said...

Love you Tammy...

Blogger Laurie said...

Tammy,

We love you and we are praying so hard for you. God created your love for this child with the passion and emotion that the only other side of that is anger when you're helpless to help him. God not only understands, but he wants you anger and all. He want's everything you have. The very best thing you can do for your relationship with God and with Nick is to be real so that he can help you find a place for it.

Please continue to be real with us, as real as you need to be so we can pray you through it.

Loving you,
Laurie

Blogger Bonnelle Pagel said...

Tammy,

I love you no matter what! You know the most amazing thing of all? God is OK with your anger and He understands & loves you even more than we do. Anger is a normal part of the whole process. There will be days like this and it's OK. The important thing is to keep talking through your feelings and to not keep them bottled up inside.

With MUCH love ALWAYS,
Bonnelle

Tammy,

I can only imagine all of your emotions and how they must just swing back and forth. God isn't surprised by your anger and neither are we. It just is NOT fair!!


I will continue in prayer for Nick of course but ALSO for you and the anger that you feel right now. Thank you for being so honest.

hugs & prayers from PA
Kim

Blogger Carmen said...

Tammy,
You don't know me from Eve...and all I can say is 'Be mad Girl!!!' Your anger doesn't possess the power to make us un-love you OR think less of you. You are one of us...

When my Mom passed away in December - healthy as she was - it wasn't an immediate passing...She had a heart attack from the back of her heart that left her brain dead and we watched for 14 days as she laid there having seizures and the like...

I was mad...I was mad because she loved and served God and there were a multitude of heathen wasting their lives on themselves...right there in front of me (how dare they!) ;o)

I was mad when I saw daughters complain about their mother's propensities (to me)...(could they not feel my intense pain??? In fact, no...no one can feel your pain....which made me more angry)

Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger can share its joy.


And thru it all, the LORD told me that my anger didn't possess the power to change His great, intense love for me...and additionally showed me that's how HE wanted me to love....

and so love I do...YOU and your family....though we'll probably never meet this side of Heaven...your family is in my thoughts and on my lips in prayer.

Blogger Luanne said...

Tammy, I thank you for your authenticity and honesty. God is in the middle of the truth--doing powerful works of healing. I will be praying. It takes courage to share your journey--God is blessing that, in my life and countless others.

Blogger Peggy said...

My dearest Tammy...we stand with you in prayer no matter what your emotions...though you certainly are entitled to express ALL of them. Do not put on a front for us!
Continue to express in your honesty. Our hearts ache also along with you as Jesus...and
you are only human in an unfair and devastating struggle. I'm so sorry!

I came to share a surprise with YOU and honor you (though this hardly seems the right time or
post to inform you) but I am touched by MY Heart...His Words and you deserve this recognition!
Please come and share 3: Share the Love...Friendship...Arte y Pico.

Bless you! For Eternity...and now Peggy

Blogger Mimi said...

I am praying for you as you go through this period of anger...and decision making....and I lift you up that you can continue to lead a normal life for Olivia as she prepares for school and the rest of the family, as you face each day ...

God can handle anger so don't be ashamed of your anger...it will pass

Blogger Cheri said...

Oh dear Tammy,

It's okay to be mad. It's even okay to yell at God...He can take it.

No one expects you to always be strong and no one expects you to not feel what you feel.

It is what it is and it SUCKS!I'll say it for you.

Why can't it be the murderer behind bars that has cancer?Why can't it be the rapist who is still walking around on the streets that has cancer? Why does it have to be this precious little boy who loves You God, with all his heart?

Still praying for your beautiful boy!- Cheri

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