I was talking on the phone with an old friend tonight.
We were talking about how so many in the world have problems.
She then listed a few things she has faced in life and then said, "God has never let me down."
Now being in a sort-of sensitive state of my grief, I replied, "I don't think God really let me down." (In reference to losing Nick)
But as we got off the phone a little later, I couldn't get that phrase out of my mind.
I even looked in the mirror at one point later in the evening and said out loud, "God, You didn't let me down. Well, in a way I feel like You did."
On this very same evening I talked on the phone to another friend who has recently had a very serious surgery. She said, "I could have died. I don't know why I lived and Nick didn't."
The truth is. Neither do I.
Honestly, my human mommy heart does feel "let down, disappointed...."
From the time Nick was first diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 7 until the day his life could fight no more, I did my best to keep everyone praising God all along the way. I reached out to the world for prayers of healing. Nick was anointed with oil three different times by our elders. We were given bandanas, special blankets, special pieces of cloth, and special hats that had been anointed by others. I truly believed that God could heal Nick.
Everytime Nick was diagnosed with yet another tumor, I turned right back around and put him on God's lap over and over again. I clung to Scriptures that I had hung all through our home.
But in the end......
Nick is gone.
And the phrase, "God has never let me down," is ringing in my ears.
I have a sign on the back porch that was made in Africa and was brought to me by a friend who does mission work there. It simply says, "God answers prayer." I remember showing it to one of our sons last fall one day, and he kind-of rolled his eyes like, 'yeah, right.'" I worry about him now.
I know it is an age-old question, but I have to throw it out there tonight.
Can God let you down?
I guess tonight I write this as a question to all of you.
I want to say "no" in my Christian heart of deep faith and belief in God's Providential love and care.
But in my human heart of a mom who is a hurting, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I know they will help me tonight and tomorrow and the next day and the next.
Striving to live a life that is not disappointed,
10 Comments:
Tammy I think in our Earthly thinking we sometimes think we have been let down, but everything is part of God's plan we may not understand or like it. We just have to have Faith and know it is part of our Godly plan that we aren't privy to the details of. We just have to walk by faith and know that God will never let us down.
Tammy,
After all these years of my own grief, YOU have shown me that God didn't let me down after all. For three of the past 4 years, I found it very easy to blame God for everything. From "giving" Scott Cancer, to taking him away from us on that dreadful early morning of January 29th, 2005. It had consumed me for quite a long time, before I was able to "deal" with it all. You my dear friend helped me get through it all and made me realize that God DID NOT let me down after all. He is taking care of Scott until we can be together again. Scott is pain free, and happy. With both his legs and no cancer anywhere.
I may not have physically talked to you in the past twenty five +years, but you have talked to me. Your blog has been so inspirational to me. From your words and scriptures, I have grown.
God didn't let you down either. Nick is smiling, laughing, and having the time of his life with his sister. God will take care of them both until You get to see them again. Deep in my heart I know that and so do you. xoxoxo Charlotte
Tammy,
First, let me say - I love you and thank God for you. You are a precious sister in Christ and you minister to so many through your painful and open heart. As a Mom - I can't begin to imagine the pain and hurt you must go through every day as you see little and big reminders around your house, your church, your town and so on - of Nick. I know that all of this is part of the grieving process - a hard and long process. I do know that the more time that goes by, we are able to see clearer and understand more about how God uses these tragedies to minister to others and bring Him glory. By no means do I understand it all, but I do trust Him - trust Him to give you peace, to heal you're broken heart, to minister to the deepest and saddest part of you. He tells us in Psalms 139 that before we were formed, He knew our innermost parts and that our soul knows Him very well. He knows exactly how your heart feels - His Son died too. What great comfort comes from knowing they are together. I do not make or take lightly any part of your brokeness, but I do promise to continue to lift you and your family before the Lord daily.
Tammy,
Sometimes, a person's faithfulness to God despite their hardship is a more powerful testimony to others. For example, I think about Job and all he went through yet always clinging to God. People even made fun of him and didn't understand why he would cling to a God who could allow such suffering. Some of them even thought it was Job's fault. Imagine that!
I also fully believed that your Nick would be healed. I had to explain to my children, who prayed right along with me that sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we don't expect. I didn't want them to think our prayers were in vain. I told them how those prayers helped him in those last months and how they are helping your family right now. And I do believe that.
Your posts during your grief truly show just how much you love God and lead others to Him because of your experience. Far from disappointment, I think it is like a seed that is planted in good soil and will bloom into something beautiful.
What's so hard about your question is that we are human, and our perspective is so limited to this earthly plain.
So does God let us down? I cling to His promises--Romans 8:28. I guess that is when we hold on to our faith--like an anchor--when the storms are blowing.
Things don't make sense--and yet we hold on--and when we don't have any more strength--He holds us.
Thank you for your honesty--and God loves the relationship we can have with HIm when we are honest.
Sweet Tammy,
I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, praying for you all along the way, though I never commented. I have no real words of comfort for you, I can not imagine what you must be going through. I can, however offer you what was taught to us in the Beth Moore Study of Daniel. Sometimes God chooses instead of protecting us from the fire, to deliver us through the fire into the arms of Jesus. The struggle with Nick and the cancer is now over and God ultimately delivered Nick into Jesus's arms. God is not at all surprised by your wanting to think He let you down and I think that is totally okay for where you are at. Just know that I as well as many others am praying for you! Thank you for your transparency, you can see Jesus shining through you even in the midst of pain.
Love,
Kimberly
Tammy...it is so difficult for us to understand, because we are human!!! We don't want to hurt. I don't want to hurt and yet...we all do. I have sooooo many questions that I would like to ask God. It is very hard for me to comprehend why my Grandma was murdered. It has been 10 years and I still struggle with that. But yet each day I thank God for the years I had with her. These memories, no one can take from me. I believe and have faith that God is in control. Things might not turn out how I would anticipate; however, I have to cling to my faith, knowing that God is right there beside me every step of the way. My anger has overshadowed my
faith at times, but I think we all need to go through those times to realize where we need to be! My strength comes from the Lord, He is my rock, my fortress! I would be nothing without Him!! Many times I have let Him down...and I am sure there will be more, but even in my darkest hour, He is there. Thinking of you and praying for you. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO ME!!! YOUR WORDS INSPIRE ME!!! The following words are from one of my favorite songs.
"In my darkest hour, through my darkest night. I have seen your face, through a distant light. Guide me with your hand, I'll follow where you lead, let your spirit fall on me. Love of God, come fill your servant, spirit come and lift my soul. Love of God now draw me closer, let your grace now set me free, Love of God now rest on me."
Tammy...
Such a heartfelt and honest question? I do not feel God let me down...no, I don't understand His ways or all that He wants to accomplish by choosing to answer my heart's cry to heal Tyler - however, my children are certainly struggling. One of them is outright angry not only at God but at my husband and I as well for "having so much faith in a God who lets you down". I haven't been as patient, I suppose, with their feelings.....I can be sympathetic toward you and see completely where you are coming from but I don't do the same for them. Good eye opener for me.
Please pray for my children - as I pray for yours as well. Sending you hugs...
Jennifer
It is so ok to be disappointed...God created us, knowing we would have emotion and disappointment comes to all of us in different ways...
I JUST read this blog right after the most recent one, I got a little behind but I want you to know your feelings are ok as long as you don't dwell on the negative, keep looking up and pressing on toward the goal, just like Nick and all the other believers that have gone before us!
I love you! Your blogs are so refreshing and even in the midt of your struggles I love them because I can relate and know that we ALL are human and have joys and celebrations as well as disappointment and heartache that come in our lives...
I love that you are open enough to share these feeling with the world!
God bless you and Tim and the boys and Olivia. I will pray for the son who said "yeah right" about the sign even though I don't know which...
Could you pray for my cousin Cody? Just found out this week he has a brain tumor...he is 15. Thank you girl!
Does God let us down? Yes and no. He doesn't intentionally let us down. He sees the big picture, far more than our limited sight, and knows what is yet to be and how it all fits together. He always has our best interest at heart.
Yet, we still feel let down at times. We aren't operating from the same vantage point and can't see the full picture. From our view, it looks and feels as though God let us down.
Thankfully, God understands our feelings and He understands that a Mama who has lost her son has a myriad of feelings and emotions to sort through. One thing is certain, as you go through this time of grief, He is with you and won't let you down now. It may feel like it at times, but He hasn't left you alone with your feelings. He's with you and He understands and He isn't surprised by your feelings in the least.
Good will come from all of this even though it might not be apparent at this second.
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