A Time of Testing....That's For Sure
Psalm 38:13-18
I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. For I said, "Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips." For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.

Oh, dear friends who take time to stop by and read my ramblings, please bear with me.

It's been a few days since I posted, and I tried to start writing tonight without sharing the truth, but I can't.

If I ever get to a point in this blogging journey of my life where I don't share what's really on my heart, then I feel I have failed you all........

So as you read these next few words please know that I share them only to hold myself accountable to my blogging conviction of not putting on a mask to hide my heart.

See, this journey with Nick is a lot like the wheel on a bike. There are many different spokes that are spinning at the same time.

Each of our children is a spoke, and while we deal with Nick's cancer every day we are also dealing with normal parenting issues along the way. Some I have shared before. Some I have not-mainly to spare my children any type of embarrassment. But, trust me, like you, we deal with simple parenting issues and we deal with very difficult and painful ones as well.

Other spokes include work issues, finances, church involvement, and so many more.

But the one spoke that is affected the most at times is my marriage.

The divorce rate for couples who have faced the death of a child (which we faced in 1992) or a life-threatening illness of a child is very high. Statistically, Tim and I should not be together anymore.

Our commitment to each other and to God and to our children thankfully has kept us from doing what on many days would be very, very easy!

So, I write tonight to say, "Please pray for our marriage." The stress of the last few weeks has absolutely been horrendous on our relationship. Because of this stress over the past few days especially, the thought of writing some wonderfully encouraging words to any of who stop by to read seemed impossible and honestly fake.

So, I write tonight simply to free myself from the chains the devil has tried to tie around my heart. And in so doing, I am confessing and asking for prayer. Prayer that I can be the wife God longs for me to be........a loving, appreciative, gentle, and thoughtful wife. When I become stressed or fearful about Nick, I often lash out at Tim. Tim, who spends hours researching Nick's illness, talking with doctors from multiple hospitals, working two jobs so that I can be home with Nick, ministering to others who are hurting, visiting others who are in the hospital, trying to be a good dad to all of our other kids, and constantly trying to show love to me in spite of myself.

I know that when I click "publish post," I am going to feel embarrassed in some ways for admitting my fault. At the same time, I believe that I will feel great relief knowing that I have confessed and asked for prayer. This relief will allow me to write from my heart tomorrow knowing that I have not withheld from you a critical part of this journey.

Please pray for every spoke on our family's wheel as I also pray for yours!

Blessings and love to all of you for accepting me like Jesus does, "Just as I am!"


13 Comments:

Blogger Bonnelle Pagel said...

I just love you so much! I love your sincerity, your realness and I love your heart.

I've been down that road... the loss of a child, a child with a serious illness... wanting to call in quits and yet holding on. I know and understand and continue to pray for you and all the spokes to your wheel (I love the way you put that!).

With much love & prayers,
Bonnelle

Anonymous Laura Hay said...

Tammy, I have been praying for you and Tim, along with Nick and your other children. You are a wonderful person, and the things I read from you, you are a wonderful mom and wife. I will continue to pray for you daily!

Blogger Laurie said...

We will sincerely stay in prayer for your marriage. The marriage that God ordained for this family so that you would have one another through these unbelievable difficult moments, as well as the joys.

When Satan attacks and fails to isolate you and make you feel abandoned by God and others, when his lies there don't work he goes to frustration and tries to plant seeds of destruction within our hearts towards the ones we love the most.

I have been the recipient of that frustration and the supplier of it as well. God loves you and while he may allow Satan to test you he will not allow harm to come to you bc he loves you both so much and he loves your children. God takes special care of those who have children.

We will pray for Nicks recovery and treatments, but we will also spend special prayer time for you and your husband so that you will be able to see one another with Gods clarity and not Satan's lies, even during the toughest moments.

It is so hard, but you will be lifted in prayer. Thank you for reaching out and letting us know what we can do to take your hands and help you walk through this together.

Loving you!
Laurie

Blogger Sheryl said...

Tammy, in no way should feel embaressed. I have been praying for your marriage all along! Cannot imagine the strain it puts on your relationship. And you are right about getting out from under satan's chains. You've exposed it to the light. We love ya and will continue to pray on.

-Sheryl

Blogger Gayle said...

leYour honesty is encouraging, and it is part of why I read your e-mails from our prayer chain and also why I'm keeping up with what you post on this blog. We will be lifting your whole family up in prayer.

Gayle

Tammy...

We will continue to pray for all of you...in many different ways...just like the spokes in that wheel. Healing, comfort, peace, good doctors, Nick, You, Tim, your marriage, finances, work, children, all the busy things you must do...

~Blessings,
Jan

Blogger Jennifer said...

Lifting you, your husband, your marriage and each of your children to our Lord & Savior. Praying to HIM that HE will continue to show HIS love for each and every one of you--to hear your prayers, the ones out-loud and the ones that are said quietly. Keeping your Nick in our thoughts & prayers for a complete and miracalous earthly healing.

Blogger Paula (SweetPea) said...

Tammy, please do not feel embarrassed. I am the one who at times feel embarrassed when I share my story. I have never shared it on my blog but have shared it in countless emails and on comments of other's blogs. You may have a strained marriage but you have a marriage that is being held by God's glue. You and your husband are devoted to staying true and strong to your covenant even though it is very stressful and trying. For you see, my Christian husband unbiblically divorced me because I did what you say you do....lash out at Tim. However, I'm 100% positve that I did it in a much worse, severe, negative, and totally degrading way. It to me seems unforgivable but I know it is forgivable and has been forgiven by God. My beloved husband (not legally, as to not confuse you) has not forgiven me. Yet, I'm standing in the gap and believe that God will restore my marriage one day...that is when my beloved realized what he's done is NOT God's idea and God did not tell him our covenant was broken. Rather, I believe one day God will show Chris that it has been satan who has deceived him gravely with this lie of the covenant being broken. Satan has also convinced him to manipulate God's Word to say God is okaying and condoning this based on Deut. 24:1-2 (leaving out vs 3-4) and on Matt. 19:7-8 (again leaving out v. 9). As I type this for the 100th time, my heart is still deeply pained after 15 months. Anger to a degree of wanting to shake him and show him how this is NOT God. God would NEVER tell us anything contrary to His Word. I want him to realize the terrible decision he has made, not against me, but more importantly against God by manipulating His Word and by also disobeying Him. Maybe I'm too close to the situation but this is such a grave disobedience to God that I don't see how he can ever have God's favor until he makes it right. I guess part of me hopes he doesn't have God's favor b/c I want him to see the Truth.

Sorry to ramble. I try to share all this with you as an encouragement of how wonderful it is that your marriage has survived such hurdles and two that maybe you can pray for not only me as I continue to stand and believe in my God for my miracle but also to pray for my beloved Chris and for him to fall back at the feet of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I believe in every other aspect of his life he is probably, most likely living in obedience. I'm positive he is worshiping, serving, praying, reading, etc. I don't believe he's totally falling off the wagon except for in this area with me...an area that he chose to run away from the terrible pain I caused him through my words than to face it. He's 43 and says he cannot endure any more trials. I don't know how he's missed it but the Christian life is based on trials. I don't say that at all to 'slam' him but to show how desperate I believe the situation is. Even though his actions have caused me to wonder about his true spiritual walk (how strong it is) and about his character, I would still reconcile with him in a heart beat b/c I believe it to be God's desires.

Thanks for listening and praying.
Love and prayers, sweet, sweet one.
Paula

Anonymous nanaof1 said...

Tammy,
So much in Prayer for you and all your spokes that God will hear all the Prayers for your family and that God will keep you strong.
Love Ya
Brenda

Blogger Rose said...

Tammy, I will pray for your many "spokes", as well as keeping Nick in my prayers. It seems logical that with all your family is dealing with that there would be stress fractures. I read the other comments and can't even come close to their eloquence but I can pray for you and your family, which I will add right next to my prayers for Nick. I think about your sweet boy so often because I have a son his age, and it breaks my heart to think of Nick going through all he's been through for so long. Many hugs and prayers for you and yours.

Blogger Cheri said...

There's just so many ups and downs, isn't there? You all have been through alot...more than most parents in their lifetime. You are strong. You have made it this far. You WILL make it farther!

We always seem to take all the pressure out on our spouses because we love them so. When you catch yourself getting ready to say something really stupid that's gonna hurt him, take 3 deep breaths and say these 3 words, HELP... ME... LORD.

I will pray for the bike to run smoothly and that Satan will stop putting those cards in the spokes, cuz they just make too much noise.

Even though I don't really know you, I love ya girl, Cheri

Blogger Luanne said...

You are so right--Satan wanted you to hide in shame, so he could bind you and Tim. I will pray that you two will find comfort in each other's arms as you rest in the loving arms of your Father. So many times, I have had to look at my husband, and remind myself that he is not my enemy--Satan is. God bless, Tammy. Praying for you tonight.

Blogger JoAnn said...

I am praying for you and your family right now! You are precious in God's eyes and He cares for you. I pray that you would be brought closer together each day. Your honesty is beautiful and so appreciated.
In Christ-
JoAnn in Michigan

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