One of those Nights

147 I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word.
148 My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.

It's just amazing to me how I can look back at some of my past blog entries and read words that sound so strong...........Did I really write those words about "going for for the gold?" Honestly, tonight, I feel about as genuine as a bubble-gum machine ring!

Nick has been struggling emotionally tonight. He is so tired of doctors and hospitals. Right now he says he doesn't want to go the radiologist tomorrow if it means they will make any marks on his body. He remembers all of the markings that had to be done for radiation to his brain, and he does not want any nurses near his hip and/or leg area.
I don't blame him! He is 13!
His eyes teared up tonight as we talked to him on the back porch. Seeing him there in the wheelchair with his lip shaking just tore at my heart. Tim promised that we would not force him to do anything, and I assured him that we would never leave him alone with a nurse or a doctor or allow anything to happen to him that made him feel violated in any way.
But the truth is, he feels so out of control right now. And so do I.
So I have stayed up tonight doing laundry, cleaning out the frig, pullings books and stack of papers and cards from every shelf in every room and organizing them, and the list goes on and on. Anything to keep my mind busy with things that don't really matter.
As I finally collapse thinking, "I should have tackled the freezer too," I look at the pile of empty thank-you cards next to me that need to be written and mailed. I think of the phone calls I need to make tomorrow. I remember that Olivia's school pictures are tomorrow, and we have to get up early so that we can get her hair all ready. I look at the clock and realize that it is already nearly 2! Then I remember Nick , who is sleeping in our bed because he cannot get upstairs to his room anymore and suddenly - nothing else seems to really matter.
So maybe the reason I am up this late isn't really because I wanted to stay up this late. Maybe it is because God needed to talk to me when it was quiet. So as I sit here now in the darkness of the night with only the sound of our dog breathing softly nearby, I am going to do what the verses above say. I am going to cry out for help. I am going to put my hope in His Word. I am going to keep my eyes open just a little longer, forgetting about the cluttered freezer, and meditate on His promises.
Thank you, Lord, for pulling me back to You once again. Father, God, please keep Nick's spirit free from the devil who so desperately wants to rob, kill, and destroy his joy. In the Name of Your Son Jesus, I proclaim freedom for Nick's spirit and healing for his body, Lord. I know You love Nick. I know Your plans for Nick are not to harm him but to give him a hope and a future. So in the name of Jesus, I claim these promises for him. In Your Son's Precious and Holy Name, I Pray, Amen


Blogger Bonnelle Pagel said...

You are still shinning forth as gold because you still take time to seek Him and praise Him in the midst of your storm and uncertain days.

I feel I should share with you something that continues to stand out to me since our Jericho march/walk:

Joshua 1:14-15:
But your strong warriors, fully armed, must lead the other tribes across the Jordan to help them conquer their territory. Stay with them until the Lord gives them rest, as He has given you rest, and until they too, possess the land the Lord your God is giving them.

On the Jericho march/walk your strong warriors went out before you, fully armed and I'm sure I'm not the only one who continues to hold you up and march before you. You are not alone in this battle and we will pray and we will stand with you until you conquer this territory & find the land of rest the Lord is taking you to. I will stay with you until He has given you rest.

I continue to believe for healing and breakthrough for Nick. Josiah always felt awkward too when Dr's and nurses would have to check him out - he was the same age as Nick. You are an awesome Mom and you are doing a great job encouraging him and loving on him.

Continuing to pray & love on you...


Blogger Vern ~ Inspired said...


I read your blog often and have prayed for your family and Nicks healing.

It is amazing to read your words and to witness on this end the might and strength that the Lord is living through you.

I cannot even imagine what you walk through everyday...but I am grateful you know the Lord and have many faithful friends walking alongside this with you.

I pray a guarding over your thoughts, your hearts desires and your loved ones.

May you experience peace on your pillows, joy in the rising of the Sun, and strength that is greater than your task.

Wish I was there to come clean your freezer out...I would do it!

Thanks for sharing and trusting us with your journey!

Big Hugs to you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep pressing on! The Lord is with you to give you what you need. You are genuine and always have been in your love for Him. Remember, in our weakness He is strong. Rest in His strength. It was the faith of the ancients (Hebrews 11) that was pleasing to God, I am praying for you and your family to keep that unshakable faith. He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. I am agreeing in prayer for peace in Nick's Spirit and healing in his body! Amen, KIM

Blogger Luanne said...

Tammy--I believe, intensly, in the privilege that God has given us to 'carry each other's burdens' and uplift one another in prayer. I am praying for relief and comfort--For Nick, you and your family, and once again, peace that passes all understanding. Love you from Wisconsin, Luanne

Blogger Wendy Pope said...

Thank you for commenting on my blog. I appreciate your thoughts very much.

I noticed on your profile we like the same artists: Air Supply and Barry Manilow. You gotta' love the 80's!!!

Anonymous Ben & Kelly Fulcher said...


My husband, Ben, and I are friends of Dave & Elaine - actually Dave is one of Ben's bosses!

I want you to know that we are praying for Nick - and the whole family.

I read your blog everyday and find your strength and trust in God inspiring. I feel as if I know you because I've cried and laughed with you over the past months.

I read this verse every day and I guess you could say it's my life verse. It's probably very familiar to you. This is how I like to read it:

Dear Tammy,

I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


We will keep praying and asking for a miracle for Nick. We love all of you because you are our brothers and sisters.

Ben and Kelly Fulcher
White Mills Christian Camp

Blogger Gayle said...


Our family has been praying for your family and especially for Nick. We've kept up with you from our prayer chain at church.

We've been walking with you in your journey, recalling the same intense emotions we had when our daughter Christine was hospitalized for a month at Children's Mercy Hospital in KC. We are using those memories to cry out to God once more on behalf of Nick.

Thanks for sharing your blog with us.

Lamentations 2:19
"Arise, cry out in the night at the beginning of the night watches; pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord; lift up your hands to Him for the life of your little ones . . ."

Blogger Cheri said...
Blogger Sheryl said...


You are definitely the genuine deal! True gold, not trying to hide behind any mask. I am crying out with you for Nick. Thanks for continuing to share with us so that we know how to pray. As is evident on my blog I have been struggling with believing the things I know to be true. Hold on to the truth - keep crying out for help and putting your hope in His Word. Love ya,

Blogger Paula (SweetPea) said...

Tammy, there are no words to say that could possibly bring you comfort. You are such a genuine example of faith...not bubble gum ring're the real deal!

Just want you to know you are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.
Much love,

Blogger Christina said...

I came across your blog awhile back and thought I would let you know I am thinking of your family and am praying for Nick. This is such a hard walk on one so young. You have a beautiful strong boy and it saddens me to hear of his pain. Please know I will keep praying. I check here every day and am awaiting good news.

Blogger Jennifer said...

Newbie here----just asking GOD to keep you and your family covered in HIS love. Your family is precious. I'm praying that NICK will receive his earthly healing and that GOD will grant him comfort, joy, love and peace.


Blogger "B" His Girl said...

May God cover you, Nick and all your family with his feathers. Your faith is more precious than gold. Help Nick with all the necessary procedures he has to endure. Lord, please get rid of the cancer. Thank you for Tammy's witness for you. Lift them up with your mighty hand Lord. Amen

Blogger Susan said...

Not leaving my post on the wall as I continue to cry out for you and your precious family Tammy.

I thought of you yesterday as we began the study of Gideon.

I'm sure Gideon was surprised when God commanded him to go out and fight those Midianites.

I love God's reply to Gideon as he asked God to wait for him as he went to bring his offering:

And the Lord said, "I will wait until you return"...(Judges 6:17)

Oh, please know even though you may not feel like the real thing, God sees your heart. Pure GOLD is in the making my friend. And God is there waiting for you...

You are such a testimony to all of us out here. We are standing with you as the storm rages on.

It's OK to get weary in battle, that is what your prayer warriors are here for, to uphold you, even when you can't hold your self up.

Thanks for keeping us posted♥

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am praying...

Hi, Tammy!
Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Yours is beautiful. And I appreciate your honest writings as you share your heart.

Are you one of the "Front Porch" girls?? Did we meet at She Speaks??

Warm blessings,

Blogger kymomma said...

Amen. . so be it.

Blogger Carmen said...

"Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the LORD." ~ Luke 1:45

Blogger Rose said...

I have been visiting here often since I found your site. I am praying for Nick, as I have a boy about the same age. I cannot even imagine. It makes me so sad when I hear of children who have to endure so much, and for their mothers to have to watch. I have been praying for Nick at each Mass I attend and lighting candles for him and for others I have come to know through blogs. I hope in some small way knowing there are people all over praying with you and thinking of you gives you strength and comfort. I am amazed at your words of courage and your son's courage in facing this and fighting this battle. God bless you and keep you in these difficult days ahead.

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