When I look at this screen and think of each of you who may stop by to read my words, I'm tempted to write some kind of thoughts that sound spiritually uplifting and give the allusion that I am somehow handling life the way Jesus would.
I remember the famous "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets, and honestly, those words haunt me almost daily.
I can smile and even laugh sometimes, but to be totally transparent, I am struggling deep within my soul.
I've battled depression in the past and I think that parts of me are slipping that way again. I feel so ashamed to even write those words, as if somehow God is disappointed when I can't cling to His Word at a strong enough level to keep myself out of this pit.
Truthfully, the pace of life at our house right now leaves very little time to just sit and soak in His promises. I must need more of Him than most people in order to cope successfully, because I see people all around me who seem to juggle fulltime careers and families and church and do it beautifully.
Why do I cry on Sunday afternoon after I get home from WalMart with a load of groceries that takes almost as long to unpack as it did to go up and down the aisles trying to make sure I have dinner plans ready for a whole week.?
I battle wanting things to slow down with knowing that when they do Todd will be moved into the dorm and Evan will be living 34 hours away.
I haven't been this frustrated with myself in such a long time.
I miss Nick so much and feel like I barely have time to acknowledge that I am hurting, because I am spending most of my waking hours working on lesson plans, teaching, and trying to be a decent wife and mom.......all of this leaves little time to be the friend I want to be, the encourager I love to be, the supporter of others who are hurting that I want to be.........
And then as I type these words, I feel like a baby.
I remember typing words last week about encouraging others and realizing that when I take my focus off of me then I am able to pray for others and become the person I want to be. I felt so strong that morning.
And then another Monday comes and here I am digging deep to find peace and coming up empty.
I'll probably regret posting this, but to say anything else would be fake.
I got up early to get potatoes peeled and roast browned so that I could have the crock pot filled with dinner after work. Last week, I managed to be a good teacher but failed miserably as a mom.......this week, I'm trying to have a plan for dinner every night.
As I was preparing the meal, I wondered if any of you have recipes to share, especially crock pot recipes. If you do, please email me at tammynischan@yahoo.com. I will share them from time to time with readers here. Maybe there's someone out there reading this who needs new recipe ideas too.
The puppies are doing great by the way. They have added such a little fun spirit to our floors!
Olivia is getting into a groove at school and enjoying basketball practice. I'm so thankful that she feels better than she did in the spring!
We had a great visit with my family this weekend. My sister was up from Florida so we all gathered at my mom's for a cookout. I'll show pictures soon.
This morning, I keep thinking of these verses from Psalm 61,
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
Knowing that He can and trusting that He will...lead me to that High Rock today,
6 Comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Always wanting to be the encourager and lift people up and then realize we need lifted up too and because of that we feel we can do the encouraging. I must say your honesty has encouraged me today because I know I'm not alone.Knowing you're not alone is a wonderful thing. Praying for you.
Just brown up some hamburger the night before and in the a.m. through all the other chili fixings in the crockpot with the hambuger. Also cut up some cheese and celery the night before to serve with it.
Also, how about doing something like a taco Tuesday so you know there is at least one night a week you always know what you're having. The night before brown the burger then in the a.m. put it in crock pot with the seasoning and a lil extra water. The night before have the fam help cut up the lettuce, tomato, and shredd cheese so all you have to do the next day is pull it out of the fridge.
Put a pork tenderloin in the crockpot with a bottle of italian dressing...so goood!!!!
Throw chicken breast on low all day with some bbq sauce and then shred for bbq chicken sandwiches.
How about some cans of veggies thrown in with some cooked hamburger(night before)a couple tablespoons of catchup and a hint of vinegar for a delicious veggie soup served with buttered crackers.
Love you friend and wish I could hug you.
Cheri
I love your sincerity, your honesty and your willingness to share your heart with us...your bloggers. What a blessing you are and encouragement you are to others - especially other hurting mamas. Know you are prayed for....and loved.
Sending you a hug -
Jennifer
Dearest TAmmy
Have you taken yourself to the Doctor yet? I think this is all connected to the matter we were discussing. I haven't even been able to ready your post yet. Your first few sentence just screamed out at me. "Same problem"
Please know that you encourage us all the time. Even knowing that others have dark places, helps us. It is honesty in relationships that we all crave.
Love you
Tammy, I just got back from a week with my mom who turned 89 years old yesterday so I haven't been online. As I have read your entries, I want to reach out to you with just a few words of wisdom,as a retired teacher, mom, wife, grandmother, daughter, friend. You are way TOO HARD on yourself. The good Lord knows you and watches over you and you sustain yourself in His love. Stop yourself when you get into this mode and realize you are only one person and doing the best you can with what the LORD has handed you each day. The beginning of the school year is and will always be hectic with each new year.I always felt the same way, nervous, unorganized, thrown off kilter. Then everything came together around Dec. It's a new year with new kids with new needs. Now that your family has gotten smaller due to empty nest, cook like you were feeding them all again and use the meal a second night. Make toasted cheese sandwiches with tomato soup one night. Remember you need to take care of you so that you can continue to do what God has mapped out for you. Everything in your life will always be there, but if you make yourself sick, you will not be able to do the things you need to do. Also a while back I told you to destress in a nice bubble bath with the door closed. Don't forget to do that. You will not be good for anyone if you don't destress yourself. Take a few moments, close your eyes and take a deep breath in until you can't get anymore air in and let it out slowly to empty your stomach. Do this three times and it will help. Stess does harm to the body, I know. I hope you do better, and I will keep you in my prayers. I sure would love to talk to you since I have been there. Take care, Sandy from MD.
Thank you all for your sweet words of wisdom.
Cheri, I am going to write down all of your ideas for dinners. :)
Jennifer,I love you. Thank you for loving me through my tough times and good times.
Jen, I go to the doctor on the
29th of August. I will let you know what I learn. Hopefully, there is something to help me. :)
Sandy, Your teaching words of wisdom made me smile. You are right. If I get sick, I am useless to everyone. I will take your words to heart and work on destressing. I have been trying to walk every evening and that clears my mind a bit.
Oh, I love you all.
I was afraid to click on the comments.........thank you for all having safe words for me. I needed them all.
So much love to all of you.
Tammy
Thanks, Tammy for your honesty. I sometimes wish I could be as honest with myself as you are! Know that you are not alone in what you posted...I feel the same juggling 4 small kids and my hubby's youth ministry with him! Praying for you!
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