Feeling Anxious......

Ephesians 2:4a

But because of his great love....

We had a nice but very busy weekend at our house, and I'm now facing Monday morning with that old but very familiar feeling of "Monday morning anxiety" that overshadows me often when I know a week of teaching lies ahead of me.

When I feel like this, I want to cry.

I want to crawl back in bed and stay in the safety of my house where I feel comfortable, protected, and content.

I want to hide from a world with big expectations.

I want to just be the old Tammy, the mom of Erich, Evan, Todd, Nick, and Olivia when they were all little and running through the house playing Legos and Ninja Turtles and dressing up in costumes.

I miss those simple days when the biggest thing on my list of things to do was stay a step ahead of all of them.

Today, I have 140 students who will be looking to me for wisdom........wisdom I often feel I lack.

Today, I have children who are almost totally grown up and who are making huge decisions that I can only pray about.

Erich starts a new job today as a nurse at Vanderbilt in Nashville.  Mallory will be starting her Masters in the next couple weeks at Middle Tennessee State.

Evan will be loading his car and driving away....far away to California......all the way across the United States....in just four weeks.

Todd moves into the dorm in two weeks.

And I will turn around to see that motherhood has been minimized from five busy kids to one teenage girl and thankfully the companionship of Maria for one wonderful year.

My mind swirls this morning.

It's my birthday, so maybe I'm a little reflective today.

46 years old.

How?  When?  Where?

I ask all those questions about time passing so quickly, and how I find myself in this particular place at this particular time.

Sitting in my dark living room knowing that I must flip on that first light of today and face the new chapter.

The chapter of full-time teaching.

The chapter of growing children who need me less and less with every passing day.

The chapter of responsibilities that often outweigh my feelings of confidence.

I'm thankful for Ephesians 2 this morning, a reminder that in spite of everything......God loves me.

And because of His great love I can breathe deeply and face completely the hours ahead of me.

Because of His great love I can smile even when I feel like crying.

Because of His great love I can lean back for just a minute, close my eyes, and know with great assurance that there is Peace even in these dark minutes of apprehension that want to consume me in the early hours of Monday morning.

Thankful for His love this morning.

Honestly, I couldn't turn the light on without His love,


Anonymous Mary said...

It's past midnight here. I missed your birthday. I hope it was happy.

Anonymous Shannon Davis said...

Your posts lately have really hit home for me. In a few weeks I begin teaching full-time (student teachig actually). I haven't worked full-time in 5 years. My 3yr old is starting daycare for the first time in her life. My 7 yr old is about to begin 2nd grade. In the middle of it all my hsband is being sent to Texas for a month. I am really anxious about all these changes and how I will balance life. Thank you for yor encouragement and sharing your life with us. You are such an inspiration.

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