We've all been there, haven't we?
In those moments in life that cause us to question just about everything we do and are.
Why is this happening?
How am I suppose to handle this?
What caused this in the first place?
Monday I found myself asking all of these questions as I heard the doctor say, "I want her sent to the hospital just to be safe."
As I sat there, legs shaking and tears falling, I couldn't help but think of Nick.
How had he been so brave every single time he was faced with medical tests?
How had he not finally caved to the onslaught of nurses, doctors, needles, MRIs, and on and on and on?
Here I sat, hearing words like "possible TIA, low oxygen, high blood pressure.."
And I was already caving.
Fear overcame every part of me; and truly, I'm not sure what I really feared more - needles or possible bad news.
See, Erica (my co-worker) and I had left one elementary school and stopped to eat on our way back to our office for an afternoon meeting.
As we were leaving the restaurant to get in the car, my right eye began to pulse with a sort-of bright light and a spinning blurriness as if I were looking into water.
At first, I thought it was just my contact lens doing something strange.
But as I continued to blink and try to readjust my vision, I realized something was going on with my eye.
I asked Erica to see if my pupils looked the same, because my left eye seemed fine.
After confirming that they were both the same, I climbed in the car to drive back to Grayson.
As I was driving, I realized that the blurriness had transformed into a lack of any peripheral vision in my right eye.
It was one of the strangest moments I had ever experienced personally, like Erica had disappeared from the passenger seat of my car.
I felt as if I were in a tunnel to my right.
Fear gripped me.
As I started to talk through tears to Erica about what was happening to me, I also started to reflect on memories of Nick's courage when he faced health issues.
I tried to remain focused and calm as I drove us back to Grayson, and I was thankful that as we approached our office my vision returned.
However, my nerves were shot by this time and I had a very strange feeling in my head.
I walked into our meeting, but as I spoke with another co-worker about what had happened I began to cry and she insisted that Erica take me to the doctor's office just to be safe.
This is where I found myself as I began to wonder, "What in the world is going on?"
Riding in an ambulance had not been on my list of things to do Monday.
My only other ambulance experience involved following one to Columbus, Ohio, at midnight - the first night after Nick was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 7.
Receiving an IV "just in case" was also not on my list either.
I'm definitely not a fan of needles, and remembering Nick's favorite verse, "Be strong and courageous," kept me calm as the nurse performed her duty.
Martha, my dear friend who has had a miraculous recovery from her fight with cancer, was back at work in the ER and welcomed me as I was rolled into the hospital.
She kept me calm and well-taken care of as they did a catscan and blood work.
At the end of the event, thankfully all of the tests came back clear.
However, questions lingered in my mind about what had caused this entire event and emotions soared as I had been taken back in time to difficult moments I had long since pushed to deep levels in my heart and mind.
Exhaustion overtook me.
As I got home, I found myself slipping.
Emotionally, I truly was a wreck.
Tears came that I didn't even know I had inside of me anymore.
Yesterday, I spent the day resting, crying, and reflecting on where I am in life and what God is trying to say to me.
I went to see my doctor and she did more blood work to check all sorts of other things that could have caused this episode with my vision.
This morning, I am suppose to visit my eye doctor for the same reason.
Honestly, today I am going to have to rise above my emotions in a powerful way as my optometrist is the one who discovered Nick's second brain tumor at the age of 11. This is the very place where our world was turned upside down with the horrible news that Nick's optic nerves were extremely swollen, and this is the place where Tim had to meet me to pick up Nick because I was such a wreck I couldn't drive.
I'm really not sure why God is pushing me backwards this week.
In November of all months.
I really entered this week feeling strong.
Feeling ready for full days and full evenings.
Now, my strength is all coming from Him which is where it should come from anyway.
I write all this not to be focused on myself but to say that in life we all reach places (often more than once) that don't make sense.
I don't think I've handled the past two days as well as I should have.
I'm still not really feeling like I am the person God wants me to be in all these uncertainties.
I'm weaker than I thought I would be if faced with a health concern again in my life.
I'm wondering what God is teaching me through all of this.
I'm trying to regain my perspective and face today with a smile, but I'm realizing that Monday my life changed again.
I faced my own fear of death.
I've never felt quite so vulnerable physically.
I am clinging to the promise that "when I am weak, He is strong," and I'm realizing that His strength simply increases as our decreases.
Today, I will step back into my job once again changed by a life experience.
I will face the eye doctor with courage because God is with me.
I will wait for test results with confidence because I do not walk this road alone.
I have got to dig back down into my deep faith and remember that God makes all rough places smooth, and He has already gone before me every step of the way this week.
He was not surprised when my vision changed Monday.
When I am going to learn that even when life doesn't make sense to me it still makes sense to Him?
In some strange way, He will use this.
He uses all your moments too.
The ones that makes beautiful sense.
And the ones that seem so confusing.
I love you all so much, and I thank you for sharing life with me.
And the times of mourning.
As you enter Wednesday know that God is already there.
Entering before you.
He is there.