I'm clicking away at what feels like the same old story.
Trying to get ready for tomorrow.
Blessings Through Raindrops...that's the theme, and why have I struggled so??????
Honestly, I know the answer.
Deep inside, I know what's gnawing at me.....
And maybe, just maybe, admitting to all of you what's holding me back will free me from what I try so hard to hide behind my smiles and my laughs...
Losing Nick doesn't feel like a blessing.
I can look back nineteen years, and I can see how Adrienne's brief and sweet life led us to Todd, then Nick, then Olivia.
I can see how she changed me, and I'm thankful.
But I'm just not ready to be thankful for how Nick has changed me even more.
Did it take losing Nick to make me who I am today?
I hope not.
Maybe I'm afraid it did, and maybe I feel responsible.
When I look into the eyes of my students........even the most ornery..........I see Nick grinning, and I love them in spite of their flaws.
And I wonder, "Did it take losing Nick to fill me with so much love?"
Oh, I could go crazy wondering who I would be today if I hadn't walked such a painful road, and I don't want to believe that the pain was what I needed. Because when I believe that, I see Nick's face and my heart is filled with so much aching.
I loved Nick so much, and I still do.
How do I ever find a blessing in the loss of this sweet boy?
Blessings through teardrops, healing through tears....
I'm clinging to the promise that "those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy!"
Maybe I still haven't cried enough to reap a harvest.............
5 Comments:
Tammy,
Have you ever listened to a Christian song artist, Laura Story.
She has a song "Blessings come through raindrops." I think it will bless you.
Judi
Judi,
Yes, I love the song so much. It is the theme for the luncheon tomorrow. :)
I could listen to it over and over and over.........
Thank you for sharing with me.
I love you!
That must be it, we need to sow in tears some more....before we can reap the harvest....
Martha
Oh Tammy what a heart wrenching thought you poured out to us today. I hadn't heard the song so I left the site to listen to it. It made me cry for you and all of us. What a road we are on, and as human beings we question so much because we don't know. There is so much pain, and sometimes I wonder if it's just this life so that God just wants us to remember to call on Him to help us through. Why do some shed tears more than others, why Nick and you, I wish I had that answer for you. God does. And when we reach that heavenly place we will hopefully get our answers. I feel we just need to keep plugging, reading, searching for His word to help grow in his light here on earth. Live in his light and his commands and call on Him when we do have those tears. You do miss Nick, how could you not, but just think where you could be if you didn't have God on your side. You are a great testimony for all of us out here who read your blog. May God grant you peace each day. You need it with teaching high schoolers. Love to you my blog friend, Sandy
My sister held tight to that song after the loss of the twins. She held it that much closer through her brief but devastating struggle with leukemia. I hear that song often and I think of her strength and belief in God through it all. But I understand how you feel, for I too am not at the point of seeing the loss of my sister as a blessing. Maybe one day we will know. I sure hope so.
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