Tim is up late tonight writing two funeral sermons.

Two precious men from our community were killed this weekend in a motorcycle accident, both leaving hurting families trying to cope with such sudden and tragic loss.

I've been cleaning and doing some laundry---- periodically peeking down to the room Tim is in and seeing him sometimes typing, sometimes in his Bible, and sometimes just looking off across the room.

I don't know what the Lord will lead Tim to say.

I just pray that God takes over and somehow reaches through Tim's voice to the people in both congregations..........(one tomorrow and the other on Thursday)...........

Showing them that even in this darkest hour, He is still right there with them.

Life is so fragile, so uncertain..............

It's at moments like these that I find myself going back and forth in my mind between times when I read people's praises for answered prayers as they say things like, "God is working. God is with us. God is listening,"

to times like tonight when there are women alone in their beds missing their men......

and children missing their dads...........

and I find myself angry for the times I've made comments like those above as if God is not working, not with us, not listening when our prayers aren't answered.

I guess that's been my biggest struggle since losing Nick. Hearing Christians make comments like these when things are going their way.........and then wondering to myself what that means about the fact that our prayers for Nick's healing weren't answered in the way we believed with all our heart they could be through God's unlimited power and ability to DO ALL THINGS.

Since Nick's death, I've had to really have some huge debates in my mind.

I've had to really think about where I was spiritually before he went Home.

And the truth is that I was right where so many others are today..............

The difference in me now is that I believe prayer is so much more about our relationship with God than it is about Him sitting on the edge of His throne waving a wand to make our wishes come true.

My faith and trust in Him actually grow deeper when my prayers aren't answered the way I long for them to be.

That's tough to swallow.

Believe me, I'm thankful when God's plans for me are comfortable, pleasing, and painless.

But I love the way Beth Moore says she now prays,

"Lord, protect my family only from that which will not bring You glory."

Wow!

That's a trusting prayer.

So, when I think that way. When I remember that I really did place Nick on God's lap, trusting Him to do what was best for Him.....and His Kingdom.....not for me.......and honestly, what was best for Nick, then I feel peace.

And when I think of the two funeral sermons Tim is working on, I remember the two hurting families and the many long, dark, confusing days they have ahead of them. I pray that the right people, the right words, the right books, the right circumstances will protect them further pain and will lead them to Him who loves them more than life itself.

Without Him I do not know where I would be today.

Crawling out of my own nightmare and praying that through my numerous dark nights full of questions I can somehow help these families crawl out of theirs,