Why Do I Write?

After crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up feeling rather "blah" and actually irritable. Poor Tim. He had to ask me, "Are you missing Nick or did I do something wrong or are you stressed about something?"

I couldn't even answer him.

So I did what I do best..............I sent him a text. Sometimes it's just easier for me to say on paper or in an email or in a text or my blog exactly how I feel.

Mom says I've always been like this. When I was young, I would often write her and dad notes instead of talking to them.

It was just easier for me to share my heart without using my mouth.

I'm still that way.

And grief has driven me to an even deeper level of sharing.

A level that has a lot of risks.

The risk of appearing depressed.

The risk of appearing unstable.

The risk of appearing too positive in the midst of a nightmare.

The risk of appearing too negative in the midst of a life that has many blessings.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But yet, for some reason, I am drawn back to my writing daily. A place where I can get something out that for some reason can't come out any other way.

And after I've released my words I feel freer to move on to the "next thing."

Yet I've discovered something since I began to blog........something that bothers me.

I have found myself lately feeling like "I have to have something to say that will make people feel better in case someone visits my blog. If I don't, they might not visit me again." Not that what I write is in any way not what I am feeling.....I think I just feel very aware that people may be reading my words.

That probably sounds very shallow. I am just being EXTREMELY transparent...

One thing's for sure....you don't have to wonder what I'm thinking.......I have truly become an "open book..." and because of that,

I have actually been feeling some sort of "blogging pressure."

So, as I took a break from working outside with Evan this afternoon (we have been trying to pull down branches and trees all over our hill that fell during the ice storm), I kept feeling this urge to stop by the computer and just sort this struggle out within my mind and my heart.

It was really bothering me that what had started as a way of sharing my heart had grown to become something I felt I "had" to do.....

And I am sure that it is the devil, but lately, I have found myself feeling so guilty after I have written an entry that is not upbeat.

But I can't pretend that life here is always a "happy" thing and sometimes the things that are deep inside of me aren't pretty.

I've been angry the past few days. I've actually been sad for Nick which is really weird because I know deep inside that he is in Heaven- honestly, HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!! I am ashamed that I cannot find comfort in that thought today.

But the mommy part of me sees what fun could be ahead for Nick as the weather is getting warmer and I remember so fondly how much Nick loved to be outside. So, I feel sad for him that he's not here to share this life with us.

My prayer has been so earnestly that God would help me to trust Him, because I do not understand His plan. I truly don't.

I see the good things that are happening because of Nick's foundation, and I am glad.

But I would trade everything that is going on in our lives for an afternoon with Nick.

So, I write this today not because I think it's what anyone wants to read or hear.

I write this today because I had to get it out.

I FEEL SAD.........and truthfully, angry too. I know it will get better............but for now, I think chopping branches off of trees is the best thing I can do with my time.

Thankful for all of you who bear with me in my many phases of this painful journey.

Determined to lean on Him even when I do not understand His plan and hoping you'll bear with me as I continue on this very difficult walk through grief.

With Passionate Love and Thankfulness for Each of You,


14 Comments:

Blogger Pam said...

Tammy,
I'm finally catching up on your blog since my computer virus. I'm excited that you are going to go to India. What does Olivia think about this trip? I realize that this trip isn't really about her, but I wonder how this will also change your family. I can honestly say that 2 years ago when my feet touched India, I have never been the same. I was also terrified. I'm not sure if I was more scared of the flights, the culture, or what God was going to do with my sheltered life but I understand some of what you are feeling.
This last post that you wrote about your blog. I can understand why you feel that way. There is measure of "putting the best foot forward" on a blog. Sometimes, people can be especially hard on someone that is "living it out" so to speak. When Joel & I struggled through our dark days of infertility, people would often tell me how I should feel. That I should praise God, that He knew best, that He had a plan...often inferring that I was somehow responsible for my infertility. I realize that my grief over this is not the same as your grief for Nick, however I needed someone to tell me that it was ok to be mad. That God could handle my anger. I finally listened to another christian woman's testimony, and it brought such healing to my soul. God isn't scared of our sadness and anger, in fact, He understands it. He wants us to lay it all on him. He won't run from us or it. We won't repulse Him with our grief. He went to the cross to carry these burdens for us. Jesus came to be acquainted with our sorrow. So many times the Bible says that He was moved with compassion for someone's situation. I needed someone to tell me that my grief wasn't a sin, that it was ok. That God understood my pain. Once I listened to this sister's testimony, I finally felt release. I was able to fully give it to God, and ultimately found healing. Now, I'm not saying your journey will be the same. I know it won't. I'm just saying to you that it's ok. Be sad, be angry, God understands....and so do I. As long as you keep taking it to Him, that is all that matters. He will sort out the details of bringing healing to your heart...no matter what others may say.
Big hugs to you friend.
Pam

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have read yout blog over & over following your joys & sorrows. I am so sorry for Nick's passing. I am so sorry that God took him & left your heart breaking. I cant imagine what it is like to lose a child. I know that God knows exactly how you feel. His son was also taken. I pray for peace for your heart Tammy. You are human, a special woman, wife, mother from our Lord. You are allowed to feel hurt, angry, sad. God has you in his arms. He will comfort you. Until that hurt ceases, until the anger resides, he is there. Please do not write for us... write for you, your family, ... your Nick. God is guiding your pen. Let all of the words out.
God's Peace

Tammy,

It doesn't ever matter what your blog says to me! NO PRESSURE! I love praying FOR you OR being encouraged by you...That is what the body of Christ is for!!!

Also...I might have an extra ticket to go see Beth Moore in June in Pittsburgh...Are you interested??? If so let me know!!! It is a group of fabulous gals going and she speaks to my heart like ALMOST nobody else!!!

my email is froggy21_2000@yahoo.com

OH! And for the record the gals going have been praying with you and following your and Nick's story so I am sure they would LOVE a chance to fellowship with you too!

God bless!

Blogger natalie said...

Dear Friend,
My heart aches for you as I too have been where you are. I don't know you, but from your writings,I can tell you have a deep love for Christ, that you put Him first and that you trust him to pull you thru this very sad time in your life.

Tammy, just as before, He will pull you thru just as he always has. Keep praying and trusting.

As a mom with an angel in Heaven, I am praying for you, that Our Father will wrap his arms around and comfort you, that you will rest well tonight and awake in the morning with a new peace.

Grace 2 u,
natalie

Blogger Susan said...

I'm so glad you write Tammy. I pray you never feel pressure to feel one way or another.

You are walking through the MOST difficult trial any person could possibly endure.

You love Jesus, and He loves you.

I'm so grateful to know you, to pray for you and walk along side of you.

I'm here praying when you struggle, and I rejoice each time you do.

Thanks for keeping this so real♥

Blogger Charlotte said...

Tammy,

Through ups and downs, this is a very emotional road that we have been forced to travel. I know exactly how you feel and sometimes we have good thoughts and sometimes we have bad thoughts. It doesn't make us horrible, it makes us a MOM!! The bottom line is this........It is just so hard to understand the why!! Why couldn't it have been me? Why did it have to be Nick or Adrienne or Scott? Why now? Why Why Why?? It doesn't really ever get easier as time passes and somehow we have to go on living for the sake of our other children or for our husbands or our friends. When our time comes and we get to heaven, it will all make perfect sense as to what Gods plan was/is. Until then, lean on me and I will continue to lean on you. Your Blog is your thoughts and feelings. Do not ever think you have to be upbeat and happy...thats not the blogger buddy I know....write what is in your HEART...Remember your title.....My Heart....His Words!!!I Love You....

Blogger Sheryl said...

Wow, I sure do love ya! I understand the writing and not speaking. That is also the way I communicate best. There's something about putting it on paper (or computer) and feeling like I got it all out.

Your transparency will minister to others more than any post that leaves someone feeling "upbeat". We learn so much through each other's struggles. As I have said over and over...I cannot imagine what you feel. I am glad that you feel safe to share it here. When you write I find myself nodding and thinking to myself "that is exactly how I think I would feel".

Praying today that you just feel loved!!

Sheryl

Blogger Jennifer said...

Tammy,

Today for me was a "down" day (why do these seem to come most often on Sundays???)...

I know that I personally come to your blog faithfully because you are willing to share your heart - and be real...and I often identify with your thoughts - and learn from others.

For someone who does enjoy words and writing and can express their heart in writing....I hope your blogging or any other journaling will be helpful - and healing - for you. Using the tools/abilities God gave you, I suppose.

I am anxious to hear about your family's trip...hopefully you will be sharing some of that with us. Praying that the Lord gives you a peaceful week..

Lots of hugs,

Jennifer

Blogger Luanne said...

Thanks for the transparency. I think so many of us bloggers struggle with some of the same things you wrote about. At least, I do.

I am always checking my motives--the tension comes from the fact that we are sharing our selves with others, and that can be scary.

We want to be known and loved--insecurities set in. Oh, but aren't you glad we have our ultimate security in the only one who can truly know and always love.

I so appreciate your honesty--it's why I keep stopping in.

Praying for you tonight.

Anonymous Nicole M. said...

Tammy - Thank you for being so real. I continually pray for you and love reading your blog, whether it is upbeat or not. You are an amazing woman/child of God. I don't think God wants anything more than for you to have an honest heart. Love you! Nicole

Blogger ejf said...

Tammy, Never feel that you "have" to write what you're not feeling or write something to keep someone from leaving. God has given us each our own unique way of working through things and your way is writing. You may never know who does come across your blog who is struggling too and feels a connection he/she wouldn't have felt without your words. Writing is your ministry and it's ok for others to know that we too struggle as Christians. There are so many times I wish I could be there with you and be able just to hug you and have someone to just cry with. Know that you are so loved by so many and we all hold you close to our hearts.

Blogger Rose said...

Tammy,
You encourage and bless us all so much and we want to do the same for you! I love your blog, the way you write all the connections you find in your day and relate them to a Scripture verse or thought you have. I hope you know that we come here for both. I have been praying for you, your family, and watching Nick's story unfold and it is an amazing story. My heart is broken for you, too and I feel so sad for your family. I don't know the pain of losing a child other than through miscarriage which I know is very different. Grief takes many forms and because you are sharing your feelings good and bad, it helps those of us to minister to people who are mourning. Before I came here and read this entry- I emailed you about just such a situation which happened to me recently! Because you shared your personal feelings, I was able to help someone who is in need of some comfort. It's not that I wouldn't have otherwise, but I would not have known what to say or do, and I knew what she needed the most was a hug. I wish I could give you a big giant hug, Tammy! We love you and your blog just the way you are. God Bless you.

Blogger Lisa said...

This is my second time to your site. I came by last week after reading your interview by Bonita in her ezine. I cried my eyes out last week and I cry again tonight. I grieve with you the loss of your son. Because of your transparency, I can cry with you, too. I know the challenge of being real but being good enough, put together enough for others to be able to handle. You are in a real and hard and painful place, and you are make the wise choice to own where you are and not mask it over. Stay real, lean on the Lord.

Thank you, too, for pricking the place in me that needs to cry and pour out my heart to the Lord. My story is too long too share. It isn't the loss of a life I cry about, but the loss of a childhood that never was and the absence of a father, when he is still in the land of the living. It is grief, similar but different than yours, and something I needed to feel again tonight. Thank you.

Lisa

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