Tammy,
I'm finally catching up on your blog since my computer virus. I'm excited that you are going to go to India. What does Olivia think about this trip? I realize that this trip isn't really about her, but I wonder how this will also change your family. I can honestly say that 2 years ago when my feet touched India, I have never been the same. I was also terrified. I'm not sure if I was more scared of the flights, the culture, or what God was going to do with my sheltered life but I understand some of what you are feeling.
This last post that you wrote about your blog. I can understand why you feel that way. There is measure of "putting the best foot forward" on a blog. Sometimes, people can be especially hard on someone that is "living it out" so to speak. When Joel & I struggled through our dark days of infertility, people would often tell me how I should feel. That I should praise God, that He knew best, that He had a plan...often inferring that I was somehow responsible for my infertility. I realize that my grief over this is not the same as your grief for Nick, however I needed someone to tell me that it was ok to be mad. That God could handle my anger. I finally listened to another christian woman's testimony, and it brought such healing to my soul. God isn't scared of our sadness and anger, in fact, He understands it. He wants us to lay it all on him. He won't run from us or it. We won't repulse Him with our grief. He went to the cross to carry these burdens for us. Jesus came to be acquainted with our sorrow. So many times the Bible says that He was moved with compassion for someone's situation. I needed someone to tell me that my grief wasn't a sin, that it was ok. That God understood my pain. Once I listened to this sister's testimony, I finally felt release. I was able to fully give it to God, and ultimately found healing. Now, I'm not saying your journey will be the same. I know it won't. I'm just saying to you that it's ok. Be sad, be angry, God understands....and so do I. As long as you keep taking it to Him, that is all that matters. He will sort out the details of bringing healing to your heart...no matter what others may say.
Big hugs to you friend.
Pam

I have read yout blog over & over following your joys & sorrows. I am so sorry for Nick's passing. I am so sorry that God took him & left your heart breaking. I cant imagine what it is like to lose a child. I know that God knows exactly how you feel. His son was also taken. I pray for peace for your heart Tammy. You are human, a special woman, wife, mother from our Lord. You are allowed to feel hurt, angry, sad. God has you in his arms. He will comfort you. Until that hurt ceases, until the anger resides, he is there. Please do not write for us... write for you, your family, ... your Nick. God is guiding your pen. Let all of the words out.
God's Peace

Tammy,

It doesn't ever matter what your blog says to me! NO PRESSURE! I love praying FOR you OR being encouraged by you...That is what the body of Christ is for!!!

Also...I might have an extra ticket to go see Beth Moore in June in Pittsburgh...Are you interested??? If so let me know!!! It is a group of fabulous gals going and she speaks to my heart like ALMOST nobody else!!!

my email is froggy21_2000@yahoo.com

OH! And for the record the gals going have been praying with you and following your and Nick's story so I am sure they would LOVE a chance to fellowship with you too!

God bless!

Dear Friend,
My heart aches for you as I too have been where you are. I don't know you, but from your writings,I can tell you have a deep love for Christ, that you put Him first and that you trust him to pull you thru this very sad time in your life.

Tammy, just as before, He will pull you thru just as he always has. Keep praying and trusting.

As a mom with an angel in Heaven, I am praying for you, that Our Father will wrap his arms around and comfort you, that you will rest well tonight and awake in the morning with a new peace.

Grace 2 u,
natalie

I'm so glad you write Tammy. I pray you never feel pressure to feel one way or another.

You are walking through the MOST difficult trial any person could possibly endure.

You love Jesus, and He loves you.

I'm so grateful to know you, to pray for you and walk along side of you.

I'm here praying when you struggle, and I rejoice each time you do.

Thanks for keeping this so real♥

Tammy,

Through ups and downs, this is a very emotional road that we have been forced to travel. I know exactly how you feel and sometimes we have good thoughts and sometimes we have bad thoughts. It doesn't make us horrible, it makes us a MOM!! The bottom line is this........It is just so hard to understand the why!! Why couldn't it have been me? Why did it have to be Nick or Adrienne or Scott? Why now? Why Why Why?? It doesn't really ever get easier as time passes and somehow we have to go on living for the sake of our other children or for our husbands or our friends. When our time comes and we get to heaven, it will all make perfect sense as to what Gods plan was/is. Until then, lean on me and I will continue to lean on you. Your Blog is your thoughts and feelings. Do not ever think you have to be upbeat and happy...thats not the blogger buddy I know....write what is in your HEART...Remember your title.....My Heart....His Words!!!I Love You....

Wow, I sure do love ya! I understand the writing and not speaking. That is also the way I communicate best. There's something about putting it on paper (or computer) and feeling like I got it all out.

Your transparency will minister to others more than any post that leaves someone feeling "upbeat". We learn so much through each other's struggles. As I have said over and over...I cannot imagine what you feel. I am glad that you feel safe to share it here. When you write I find myself nodding and thinking to myself "that is exactly how I think I would feel".

Praying today that you just feel loved!!

Sheryl

Tammy,

Today for me was a "down" day (why do these seem to come most often on Sundays???)...

I know that I personally come to your blog faithfully because you are willing to share your heart - and be real...and I often identify with your thoughts - and learn from others.

For someone who does enjoy words and writing and can express their heart in writing....I hope your blogging or any other journaling will be helpful - and healing - for you. Using the tools/abilities God gave you, I suppose.

I am anxious to hear about your family's trip...hopefully you will be sharing some of that with us. Praying that the Lord gives you a peaceful week..

Lots of hugs,

Jennifer

Thanks for the transparency. I think so many of us bloggers struggle with some of the same things you wrote about. At least, I do.

I am always checking my motives--the tension comes from the fact that we are sharing our selves with others, and that can be scary.

We want to be known and loved--insecurities set in. Oh, but aren't you glad we have our ultimate security in the only one who can truly know and always love.

I so appreciate your honesty--it's why I keep stopping in.

Praying for you tonight.

Tammy - Thank you for being so real. I continually pray for you and love reading your blog, whether it is upbeat or not. You are an amazing woman/child of God. I don't think God wants anything more than for you to have an honest heart. Love you! Nicole

Tammy, Never feel that you "have" to write what you're not feeling or write something to keep someone from leaving. God has given us each our own unique way of working through things and your way is writing. You may never know who does come across your blog who is struggling too and feels a connection he/she wouldn't have felt without your words. Writing is your ministry and it's ok for others to know that we too struggle as Christians. There are so many times I wish I could be there with you and be able just to hug you and have someone to just cry with. Know that you are so loved by so many and we all hold you close to our hearts.

Tammy,
You encourage and bless us all so much and we want to do the same for you! I love your blog, the way you write all the connections you find in your day and relate them to a Scripture verse or thought you have. I hope you know that we come here for both. I have been praying for you, your family, and watching Nick's story unfold and it is an amazing story. My heart is broken for you, too and I feel so sad for your family. I don't know the pain of losing a child other than through miscarriage which I know is very different. Grief takes many forms and because you are sharing your feelings good and bad, it helps those of us to minister to people who are mourning. Before I came here and read this entry- I emailed you about just such a situation which happened to me recently! Because you shared your personal feelings, I was able to help someone who is in need of some comfort. It's not that I wouldn't have otherwise, but I would not have known what to say or do, and I knew what she needed the most was a hug. I wish I could give you a big giant hug, Tammy! We love you and your blog just the way you are. God Bless you.

This is my second time to your site. I came by last week after reading your interview by Bonita in her ezine. I cried my eyes out last week and I cry again tonight. I grieve with you the loss of your son. Because of your transparency, I can cry with you, too. I know the challenge of being real but being good enough, put together enough for others to be able to handle. You are in a real and hard and painful place, and you are make the wise choice to own where you are and not mask it over. Stay real, lean on the Lord.

Thank you, too, for pricking the place in me that needs to cry and pour out my heart to the Lord. My story is too long too share. It isn't the loss of a life I cry about, but the loss of a childhood that never was and the absence of a father, when he is still in the land of the living. It is grief, similar but different than yours, and something I needed to feel again tonight. Thank you.

Lisa