After a week in which Tim, Olivia, and I put over 2,500 miles on our Toyota Camry, I'm about as zapped as I can be!!
A family reunion in Arkansas followed by a trip to Dallas, Texas, to visit more of our wonderful family has left me feeling anything but "full of words."
When I reach these places of wordlessness, I find myself questioning everything about my blog.
WHY IN THE WORLD DO I WRITE!?!?!?
I am a flawed, insecure, judgmental person who often fails to be the person I long to be.
I sometimes lose my cool when things get stressful.
I often question people's motives when I don't understand their behavior.
I try to point people towards God with my words but many times wonder if I fail with my actions.
And the list goes on and on and on..........
Being crammed in a car with your family and then sleeping in all sorts of different environments over a period of eight days and nights tests just about every inch of your sanity.
Knowing your electricity is out at your house for over three days while you are away and that different neighbors and friends are going in and out of your house to empty your frig, freezer, and deep freeze doesn't help! I'm thankful for great friends, but I'm a little humiliated that my not-so-clean appliances had to be purged without me in sight!
Pulling off a reception for your in-laws that you planned from 1,000 miles away doesn't send the nervous system into a "calming" state either. I'm thankful for my sister-in-law who helped pull things together and for all the friends who stopped by to wish Rich and Ora Lee a "Happy 50th Anniversary!" I'm also thankful for my father-in-law who stood beside me as I had a little meltdown by their trash can in their driveway when it was all over! Yes, I cried by a trash can in a driveway in Dallas, Texas! OH MY! I think it was fatigue mixed with grief. So many friends who stopped by that evening with anniversary wishes were also prayer warriors for our family while Nick was sick. I had never met them until this particular night. Hugging them and telling them "thank you" for all of their prayers brought back so many memories of Nick's fight with cancer. Sometimes I realize I still have so far to go in my grief journey. This particular evening by the trash can was a huge reminder.
Now I'm back in Grayson, and the whole trip is a blur.
The only good part about all the not-so-perfect moments in our vacation was that I had some funny stories for the girls in jail this evening.
Maybe that's why I write.
Because when I type out the reality of who I am I feel better.
When I spill out the ugly, I hope that God fills me back up with some kind of beautiful.
When I pour out my heartache, I hope that God refreshes me with joy.
When I admit my flaws, I hope that God somehow erases them.
When I say, "I'm insecure," I believe God responds with the words, "Your security should only be in me."
So when I boil down the cartoon above that says, "Blogging requires passion and authority," and compare it to who I am, this is what I learn........
I am passionate about the love of God even when I don't reflect it,
and
My authority comes from Him.
That's why I share My Heart and His Words.
My heart will always belong to God even though my words will come and go.
His Words, on the other hand, will never pass away.
Listen to what Jesus says in Mark 13,
Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.
"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It's like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge (gives authority to his servants), each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.
"Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back-whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: 'Watch!'"
So, once again, God has brought me back to the core of why I write.
I write because I love Him and I want you to love Him too!
I want you to be ready for the day when He returns!
I may not always live up to the goals I set for myself, but I will keep on trying until the day I die.
Whether you come to my blog because you are grieving or because you want to read a little about what God's Word means to me,
always remember that you are reading the words of a flawed and grieving mom, wife, friend, and daughter who loves God with every inch of my soul.
Thank you for sharing life with me!
I'll share pictures from our trip this weekend.
10 Comments:
Thank you for writing.
This post just brought tears to my eyes as your words reminded me of truths I really needed to be reminded of tonight.
So thank you.
I come to your blog because I want to hear the words of a wise daughter of God. Tears, too, come to my eyes as I read these words. I, too, fall so short. I am taking these godly words to heart, Tammy. We serve a patient God. Thank you for writing. Hugs!
Glad your back!!! Love you and your blog!! DAna
Tammy, Doncha know the world needs us flawed human beings to share the HOPE we have in Jesus! Satan wants us to get hung up on our imperfections so we think we have nothing to offer anyone else. NOT TRUE! We have Jesus & He's wonderful! If we love Him we will search for, & feed, & care for His sheep. You inspire me with your honesty & your passion for the gospel! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
Words can not describe the inspiration I received from your blog. With tears and smiles on my face...thank you Tammy for who you are and all that you do. God is good!
Never stop writing :) Where in AR were you? I live in AR!!
T. Thank you for being faithful to the call He has given. Blogging has purpose, not only for your own healing but to help so many other weary soldiers along their paths of grief. Your humaness inspires me to be more open concerning my own journey(thought others may be tired of listening to me!). Some days I wonder how long this process will be, but as much as I miss my Nora, the love of Christ, and being with Him, is beginning to replace the hunger of reunion with my girl..sigh...Meltdowns, yes, they come.
When others, some I've never met, relate their accounts of connectiveness to my child, it SO blesses me...somehow seems to help complete the picture....Stay cool, and keep writing, my friend...D
I agree with what everyone had to say above. That's what we are here for to continually do, see and learn about ourselves through our Heavenly Father. If we were perfect and had no sickness or hardships, what would He have to do in our lives. Life is learning who we need right up to to the end. And God brought you to that trash can for a reason, You can ask Him that when you get to heaven. In the meantime, stick to what you are doing, we come to grow with you. Hugs to you my blogger friend, Sandy
I think the trash can is symbolic of your "break down"...and also your neighbors "throwing out" your spoiled food. We ALL have so much "garbage" in our lives and God wants to bring it to surface so we can get rid of it. Your embarrasement is so parrallel to how we sometimes feel when God does bring something to surface and we have to repent, apologize or whatever the case may be. I think God wants you to celebrate the fact that you are so open and honest with your feelings...even when it's your "garbage" (food) being exposed! We are all flawed, but the real victory is when we recognize it, throw it out, and move forward and grow into His likeness. Your "realness" is what we all relate to, and your encouraging words are why God wants you to write. It is your mission. Love u!
Thank you all for your sweet words. I am blessed beyond words to share life with each and every one of you. So blessed.
Whether I'm laughing by a pool or crying by a trash can, I love knowing you love me either way.
So much love,
Tammy
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